I’ve begun watching Sex and the City, and it is an addictive show. First of all, I love 90s/early 2000s shows, and I also love shows that center around a group of friends that I can connect with. Lately, I’ve been connecting with Miranda in Season 2, who so far is bitter in regards to dating. She is closed off to getting serious with someone because every person she dates proves to be scum.
While I am not dating casually and thus I am not meeting scumbags, I think I’ve become bitter and closed off to dating. One of my hometown friends pointed it out to me on the phone recently. She affirmed my suspicion that I need more time alone to heal, but she also warned not to be closed off to dating in the future. Unfortunately, I currently don’t envision myself being open-hearted anytime soon, especially considering how I’ve sabotaged my breakup healing process time and time again. It’s as if I keep picking at the scab, which causes it to hurt and bleed, yet I wonder why the scab is taking so long to heal…
Let me provide an example.
A few days before my sister graduated from college, I found out my ex was in a new relationship. While it has been about four months since our breakup, up until the week prior to her committing to someone new, we had been talking nearly daily.
Yes, I know that this was not the best way to handle a non-mutual breakup.
Unsurprisingly, we weren’t talking amicably as friends. She would confess that she missed me, that she still wanted to be with me, etc. I would reciprocate the feelings of missing her and still loving her, but I repeated that I stood by my decision to end things.
Anyway, finding out that she was with someone new caused me to completely lose all control over my emotions. Hysteria transformed to despair, and then to possessive jealousy that inspired me to hook up with my ex in her car after a night of bar-hopping together.
No, I don’t know what I was thinking because I wasn’t thinking.
I gradually came to accept the situation, albeit with some bumps that still need to be smoothed out. Those bumps are called nostalgia with a few dashes of illusion: I miss who I was when we were together, I miss how we were together, and most confusing of all, I miss who I thought she was and/or who I wanted her to be.
Clearly, I am not emotionally capable to casually date, let alone get seriously involved with someone. Instead, I want to spend time with my friends and family and mingle with new people. I want to focus on my full-time job, on teaching and studying yoga, on reading, and on creating. I think I’ve been pretty successful in doing these things, although it takes a lot more energy to do them rather than mindlessly watching TV, which was what I was doing previously.
When my energy feels low or when I get trapped in the nostalgia/illusion bumps, it’s helpful to reflect on why I ended things with her. There are a few reasons: I didn’t feel like I was being treated the way I deserved, no matter how many times we talked about our issues, and I didn’t want to be held back anymore. I didn’t want to spend so much time and energy on our relationship, partially attributed to the fact that it had become taxing and toxic. Most importantly though, I broke things off because I wanted to focus completely on myself. I wanted to be selfish and I didn’t want to feel bad about it.
I do believe that I’ve attracted more positivity into my life since releasing the heavy, negative energy of my last relationship. However, waves of loneliness crash on me sometimes, especially when my friends share stories about or pictures of their serious relationships. It causes me to crave the rush of falling in love, of being in love, and feeling at home with someone. It simultaneously causes me to desire more single friends I can commiserate with about dating, like in Sex and the City.
Anyway, I will have to manage with the occasional loneliness because I don’t want to put myself out there yet. I wouldn’t be offering my best self because I don’t feel like my best self even to myself. I want to finally allow the scab to heal and I want to smooth out all the bumps around it. Hopefully, it won’t take as long as it did when my first ex and I split, but even if it does, I want to have my own fun in the meantime.
So…tell me how it all happened.
Did it begin when you sent her a flirty text?
Did you send that text between professing your love for me
And conveying how much you missed me?
Did you ask her out on a date
Between wrongfully accusing me of dating my friend,
and expressing how upset you’d be if that were true?
Did you hold her hand after texting me
To ask if you can still see me this summer
Because you couldn’t imagine your life without me?
Did you kiss her between writing about me
And confessing that you’re still grieving the relationship?
When did you begin to fall for her?
Around the time you blew up my phone
To call me a coward
For not responding to your texts
About hopefully getting back together again in the future?
I don’t know when you finally found the closure
I tried to give you at the end of our relationship,
And I don’t know when you found someone else to love,
But these endings and beginnings seem to blur
I think you only began to respect my desire for space
Because you became distracted by her.
© 2019 Vic Romero
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
is life after college?
creation of visual art
creating your own brand
that represents deeper issues and meanings
of the universe
you travel aimlessly
to find your own purpose
on this grand, fucked up-
do you turn to spiritual practices
to see more clearly
the beauty of the mess?
is it about
working nine to five
FULL TIME FULL TIME FULL TIME
R E T I R E M E N T plans
so you can move out
of your small, carpeted childhood bedroom
and into a larger one
with hardwood floors
that you share with someone that looks at you
with stars in their eyes?
are there alternatives? what are they?
what do i want?
© 2017 Vic Romero
I was ready this time.
I squatted with my back against the empty pickle barrels, tightly grasping the pistol, waiting. My hands were clammy and shaking, and I tried taking deep breaths to calm myself down. I didn’t want to miss again, not when I only had one bullet left.
I heard some loud footsteps nearby, presumably the graceless footsteps of the enemy. I leaned out from behind the barrel to get a better look, and sure enough, there she was. She was looking around the dim basement, her expression was frustrated.
Today was like a lukewarm shower: it’s hot enough to be comfortable and do what you got to do, but it’s too cold to really enjoy the shower and feel refreshed.
My day actually ended with a lukewarm shower because the showers on my side of the dorm are fucked up again.
Today was a bad day.
One of the first things I saw before I even got out of bed was an email from my ex. The email wasn’t rude or anything (although I thought it was funny because of how ignorant I feel she is of her own actions) but it just set a bad tone for the rest of my day.
I feel extremely unsettled right now…it’s most likely because my ex emailed me back this morning.
I sent her an email asking her to send my stuff back with my address and I added that I hope things are going well and if she needs a friend then I’m still here for her.
She replied with something about not to worry about my stuff because she’s not a complete asshole and wouldn’t do anything to it…she asked for her stuff back too and then said “Thank you I appreciate it and the same goes for you.”
My initial reaction was “You’re not a “complete asshole?” HA well last time I checked “complete assholes” end serious relationships through text…”complete assholes”…I’m not even going to rant about all the things I’ve believed she did that make her a complete asshole. But basically, I thought what she said was funny because she is a complete asshole.
With the part about “the same goes for you” I took that to mean that I can reach out to her too if I want so I responded with something sassy like “I wouldn’t reach out to you because when I have you ignored me…”
…I’m just feeling really aggravated I guess. I feel disrespected and…hurt and she’s claiming she’s not a complete asshole and possibly saying that she’s there for me too, although maybe she meant that she hopes I’m doing well…I don’t fucking know. I’m just annoyed and tired of…having headaches from her meanwhile she’s probably having a grand ol’ time fucking around. I don’t mean that she’s sleeping around, I mean that she’s just hanging out and stuff but for all I know she’s getting laid too. Good for her.
I think if I felt respected and appreciated by her, I wouldn’t feel so shitty right now…So I took the liberty to write a reply to my email for her that expresses respect and appreciation for me.
To: The Woman I Failed
Subject: I hope you can forgive me although I am undeserving.
Dear Victoria (AKA the most amazing woman I’ve ever known),
Never mind, I am a complete asshole. I realize that now and I profusely apologize that you dated me for seven long months. It must’ve been excruciating to deal with me considering I do not know how to show basic respect for people. Ever since you’ve opened my eyes to my assholeness, I’ve taken the initiative to better myself. In the meantime though, I want you to know that you were the best girlfriend I ever had and that I’m undeserving of you because you are too compassionate and kind when all I was was a jerk to you. You deserve better, and I hope you find that person soon.
I hope we can be friends, although I am so undeserving of your friendship, but I would like you to still be in my life because I want to become more like you…someone that is kind.
I deeply regret the way I treated you and to help show my regret, I’ve sent you 1000 yellow daisies and 50 family-sized bags of dark chocolate peanut m&ms. I’m sorry I didn’t pay close enough attention to you that I didn’t realize you prefer the dark chocolate ones over the milk chocolate, which I kept buying you.
Anyway, I hope your life is better without me since I’ve realized now that I was only weighing you down. You deserve the best Victoria, never forget that. You are a strong, independent woman who’s hilarious and loving…don’t let anyone make you think otherwise, including dipshits like me.
Thank you for making me want to be a better person, take care.
Your Ex (who is undeserving of you)
Yup, I feel better now.
I wish I could just turn off the way I feel for you
But the lingering feelings remain still,
They healed into the scars of my battle wounds
When I was fighting for us, but the fight quickly went downhill
I thought I was taking a bullet for you
But you were the one behind the trigger
My bruises and scars are from my love untrue
Maybe I should be more bitter
Instead I continue to love you
Without being in love
Although you’re the cause of these black and blues
I’ve decided to take the path above
Show compassion for you because you meant the world to me
And continue on with my life
Because I’ve realized, that without you weighing me down I am free
Without you there is less strife
© 2014 Vic Romero
“And the worst part is, before it gets any better
We’re headed for a cliff
And in the free fall I will realize that
I’m better off when I hit the bottom” –Turn It Off by Paramore
I sat across my best friend, who’s head was bent over her coffee as she thought. Meanwhile I was shoveling huge quantities of the delicious chocolate chip pancakes that the diner in our neighboring town made.
“I feel like your ex…and my ex…they’re sort of the same,” she realized, furrowing her eyebrow. “They both just need to grow up.”
I nodded as I swallowed my food. “At least he had the decency to see you face to face though. We dated for seven months and she didn’t even call me, she just sent me a text! I asked to talk to on the phone with her too,” I said.
My best friend shook her head sympathetically. “I’m going to be honest…when you said you got back together with her I didn’t think it was a good idea. She never treated you well.”
“It’s probably because she doesn’t know how to treat herself. But…I got back together with her because it was what I wanted at the time and she helped me transition into college a little bit…we used to talk everyday on the phone when I was in school it was really nice. Things change though, and this is probably for the better anyway,” I concluded.
“Yeah, it is,” she agreed, and on that note, we changed the subject.
I’ve been going to therapy again and I really like the therapist I have. The last session we had I talked about the things that I was feeling as a result of my ex’s shitty way of breaking up with me. Initially I was sad but okay with it, then this week I’ve been angry…I’ve been feeling this way because I feel like I don’t really understand what happened with us, so I’m trying to make sense of things by filling in the blanks myself. Unfortunately the clarifications I’ve created have a huge impact on how I feel and my overall mood. She suggested some tips to help me move forward without having the closure that I seem to crave, so I listed them below.