• Poetry

    The Inbetween

    Caught in the inbetween:
    The state of being a kid and an adult
    Required to act mature,
    But often regarded as a joke

    The disagreeing expectations muddle,
    Puddling at my feet
    Is it acceptable to eagerly jump in?
    Or should I worry?
    If it’s a pool….perhaps it’s depth is too deep.

    Unsure of what to do with myself,
    As I’m caught in this “inbetween”
    It’s an awkward state,
    But it’s a result of being a teen.

    © 2019 Vic Romero

    All Rights Reserved.

    I wrote this circa 2012/2013…I’ve been thinking about an “inbetween” state lately…particularly about early adulthood. More on this later though. For now, I will be leaving you all with this teen-angst selfie from 2013, featuring sunglasses that take up my entire face, a cut-up Never Shout Never shirt, and iconic red lipstick. 

  • Speaking My Mind

    Nightdwelling: Job-Hunting

    It’s been quite awhile since I lied in bed, unable to quiet my mind, and just write. I find it unusual that I’m not alone in my bed as I’m writing, unlike years past. Tonight my girlfriend is sleeping beside me, blissfully unaware of my mental torment.

    I’m not feeling quite as angsty as Victoria at 16 when she stayed up until 3am just writing, but I’m angstier than usual. Perhaps it’s due to the new moon or the hormonal week I had last week, or perhaps it’s because of my deceased cousin’s birthday, which just passed. I’m also not feeling great due to the sudden onslaught of allergies that now keeps me up at night because I can’t breathe too well.

    (Super cute side-note, I coughed, which surprisingly woke up my girlfriend, who then sat up right, asked me if I was okay, kissed my cheek and then rested her head on my chest and fell back asleep. So…she may not be as blissfully unaware as I had assumed).

    Anyway…I just want to check in and chat. Release some of my angsty feelings!

    I’ve been quite concerned about money lately. I’ve been spending more of it than I care to admit, while not making nearly enough to support my lavish lifestyle. Right now, I’m at least working a little bit, but in two weeks or so, I will not have a job anymore. Obviously, a solution to my anxiety is to get a job so I can make money and actually live within my means, but the truth of the matter is that I’ve been…avoiding looking for a job.

    I’ve been doing the work to develop a good mindset and to understand the “game” that is job hunting. My aunt got me a book called What Color is Your Parachute?, which is a great book for job hunters. It’s been more insightful than all of my career preparation, which is pretty extensive, although still insufficient. I’ve also revamped my resume and I’ve been working on my confidence and my mental well-being. Now, I just have to apply all the work I’ve been doing by taking action and actually job-hunt.

    One of my old study buddies emphasized my need to take action. We met up last week to catch up for the first time all semester. We used to struggle together for our classes, but she didn’t seem to be struggling anymore because she had it all figured out since she got a job recently. I felt pretty lame in comparison with my elusive plans and my carefree attitude, to which she responded that I should look for a job because it won’t fall into my lap.

    I’m not going to delve into the frustration, self-pity, and self-doubt I experienced due to this interaction, but she did have a point. I need to start looking for a job. That in itself is like a full-time job though, which I find to be unpleasant, although necessary.

    I want to get a job so I can be independent, have somewhere to be every day, and to gain some work experience that may inspire my decision about doctorate programs. I have to remember this when I resume looking rather than focusing on my fears and hesitations about the job hunt. I have goals, thus I need to take action.

    Do y’all ever struggle with the job-hunt? What do you do to motivate yourself?

    xx Vic

    I wrote this back when I was still in school, and the job-struggle is stronger now that I’ve graduated. My parents and girlfriend have been helping me as much as they can, which has been wonderful. Hopefully I get some interviews soon.

  • Poetry,  Speaking My Mind

    Sweet ‘N’ Sour

    I fell in love with your words,
    They gently caressed my ears
    Sending shivers up my spine

    I fell in love with your voice,
    Smooth and low
    Emitted from your lovely lips
    Which were frequently goofily smiling

    I fell in love with the way you said my name
    I could’ve heard it all day
    And your kisses were always sweet

    I fell in love with your eyes,
    A deep and hypnotizing green
    Penetrating into mine
    Seeing right through me

    I fell in love with your hands,
    Soft and big, the most perfect hands that I’ve ever seen
    Attached to arms, so strong
    Strong enough to hold me

    I fell in love,
    I fell in love easily
    But it was wrong,
    It was all wrong
    So eventually…

    I fell out of love with your hands,
    Cold and hard, they choked my heart cunningly
    Attached to arms, so strong
    But they refused to even hug me

    I fell out of love with your eyes,
    A stormy green
    Hiding secrets and lies
    Drowned me in your tsunamis

    I fell out of love with the way you said my name,
    Spat it out
    And your kisses soured in the new day

    I fell out of love with your voice,
    Hoarse and low
    That emitted from your bloody lips,
    Which were frequently demonically grinning

    I fell out of love with your words
    They seared my ears,
    Burning my entire body

    © 2013 Vic Romero

    #nightdwellers
    Thnks Fr Th Mmrs
    *inspired by the lovely Sam…thanks for inspiring me xx

  • Poetry,  Speaking My Mind

    Tell Me Something Honest

    stupefied stares and angry glares are all the eye contact that is shared from exposing the truth in hopes to improve my relationships but instead the truth left a goddamn huge black and bruise and it only ignited the matches it didn’t diffuse i only want them to accept to approve but instead i’m perceived as taboo and i’m accused of feeling of doing things that i haven’t done why did i unleash my tongue i should’ve kept it behind my lips to avoid being shunned and shoved into the corner facing the wall like i’m a kid in trouble and what good does it do to put your daughter in a bubble and pretend it all doesn’t exist and to pretend that it’ll all go away by ignoring it that it’s as easy as forbidding it that it’s as easy as pie but it’s not we’re all living a lie

    © 2014 Vic Romero

  • Poetry

    Pink

    I’m the only one awake in this undesirable reality while she is dreaming peacefully sleeping I wish I could go there easily but I can rarely sleep I’m an insomniac maybe I’m negative maybe I’m depressed maybe and she constantly tells me I’m insane a pain for her brain and so she sleeps to rid herself of the fucked up reality I always mention I always speak and it’s okay I guess, it’s expected because she’s Sleeping fucking Beauty and one day maybe the princess will be (preferably consensually) kissed on her perfect fucking pink lips by some piece of shit prince and awoken from her beautiful dreams of an ideal reality, permanently…maybe but hopefully not.

    © 2014 Vic Romero

    *image from Google

  • Poetry

    Purplish Haze

    I pressed my nose into the crook of her neck
    With her lilac scent, I was obsessed
    Tasting her skin…
    Goddam, she tasted like sin
    Red hot
    The fact that we were in public was an afterthought

    She was just so pretty,
    So pretty
    She made me dizzy,
    So dizzy
    We were laughing as if everything was silly,
    So silly
    I molded my body to hers as if I was chilly,
    So chilly

    Her purple hair skimmed her shoulders
    Her dark, heavy makeup made her look older
    Her leather leggings hugged her sculpted legs
    She was the kinda girl that made you beg

    Her skin was just so soft,
    Too soft
    My body felt so hot,
    Too hot
    We were kissing carnavorously,
    Too carnavorously
    I refrained from yelling out when she bit me hard,
    Too hard

    Her purple hair stuck to her sweaty forehead
    All my drunken brain could conjure up was getting her into bed
    I didn’t want to stop dancing yet
    But I wanted to spend the night with her before our lives reset
    In the morning.

    © 2013 Vic Romero

    #repost
    #nightdwellers

    *image is not mine

  • Poetry,  Speaking My Mind

    Grey

    The struggle between appeasing those that care about me and being me is a burden and the consequences are uncertain, I think my situation has not improved it has only worsened as a result of my lies by which I am bound to and tied, stifling any pathetic cries and goddammit I just want it all I can only hope the structure I have built doesn’t fall like the house of sticks built by the three little pigs but this hurts and my desires, I am terrified to assert…god it’s all such a joke, i’m waving white flags to avoid eating the dirt but I’m only concealing myself and hoping that they won’t try to seek what I have hidden from their eyes although it is right in front of them camouflaged by lies on top of lies leading to the surmise of their trust in me because hey! trust doesn’t come for free there’s no such thing as free lunch, god I’m getting good at lying my way out of every hunch but the lies always existed even before her I’ve always concealed the gold beneath the dirt it’s buried deep buried hundreds of feet below the grave of my true personality…y’know, it is difficult being a slave everyday to what is deemed “just” and “right”, as my dad says “there’s only black and white”, but I fucking disagree, I believe that there is a lot of grey in between everything that one is instructed and forced to believe to salvage the tiny fragments of their flimsy sanity and to give them something to live for because without a purpose people are fucking worthless, right? that’s what they say at least… but I have seen the grey, in fact I reside there today..I lay down there all the time yet I can hardly sleep and when I actually do I tend to only have bad dreams…and when I’m awake I can only hopelessly wish to be accepted by my family… being here is bittersweet, who would want to be stuck in this “in-between” place of dreams and reality…?

    © 2014 Vic Romero

  • Poetry,  Speaking My Mind

    No More Apologies

    god i’m so sorry i have broken your heart i’m so sorry i have gone about this all wrong i’m so sorry i have wished all along that we could get along but i screw it all up and i’m so sorry i keep tearing you apart with every article of clothing that i pack it feels to you like a smack like a stab in the back i’m so sorry that this hurts you so bad i’m sorry but it hurts me too my heart is covered with black and blues and i’m sorry i hadn’t told you the truth but it’s hard to be honest when i couldn’t even be honest with myself i didn’t know how to go to you i didn’t know how to ask for help i’m sorry but i was lying in the dirt of the tears that i had been crying for hours for days for years i was dying for so long but at least all of my tears showered the withered flowers so they lived on so they grew up to be strong as i was corroding away as i was deteriorating into dust but at least i becoming something because before i was nothing i was just living to waste my time until i died i was making the motions and imitating life…

    but now i feel whole i feel content with myself and i don’t apologize for finally being who i am

    © 2014 Vic Romero

  • Speaking My Mind

    Loving Life Right Now…

    I came out to my friend and my sister yesterday, January 8th.  They both took it really well, which was awesome.

    I told my friend, Melissa, first.  I picked her up at her house during lunch and I told her that I wasn’t completely straight, that I liked girls and that I had a crush on a girl that I work with who also happens to be my boss.

    My friend didn’t miss a beat and after I told her the entire situation she gave me all this love advice.  She’s amazing.

    I told my sister when I was driving to Walgreens (talking while driving is the best thing ever because you don’t have to look at them while you’re confessing your soul/heart).

    My sister was amazing as well.  She thought I was silly for thinking that she wouldn’t accept me, considering that her friend is gay and that she is extremely supportive of the LGBTQ community.  Then in the parking lot at Starbucks we had a long discussion about feminism and sexuality and it was so liberating and amazing to be honest with my sister, who is also my best friend.  I felt like we connected more.  Like we’re closer.

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