the nights seem to stretch beyond
the dawning of the sun
with my thick curtains
by anything outside
the confines of my unconscious mind
© 2018 Vic Romero
All rights reserved.
TRIGGER WARNING: suicide
I’ve been training to be a sexual violence response advocate for the past three weeks, and it’s been very difficult. Aside from the material itself being upsetting, the training has triggered unpleasant memories as well. I’ve also had multiple nightmares about being drunk.
The past two days have been really good…Friday I went to the women’s basketball game and we won. Yesterday I spent the whole day in the library with my friend but we watched a bunch of movies later so that was nice…last night though I had a bad dream about my ex. She wasn’t in it much and we didn’t interact with each other…which is one of the reasons that it was bad. It was also a bad dream because I had many physical limitations…like I couldn’t move fast enough and/or I couldn’t talk or see…it was frustrating and difficult.
Regarding my ex, I feel very powerless about what happened between us which is probably why I dreamt feeling powerless when it came to her in my dream…I was physically unable to tell her how I felt and look at her…it was hard and depressing.
Yesterday when I was in the library I wrote my final letter to my ex under the advisement of my therapist. My therapist had suggested that instead of writing a “mature” letter, I should write something vulnerable. She didn’t say I had to send it but I think what I wrote is important for my ex to know. I’m going to share it with my therapist tomorrow and see what she thinks, and then when I drop off her stuff at her house during Thanksgiving break I’ll include my final letter.
The letter is vulnerable, strong, powerful, compassionate…I think it’s a really great letter and hopefully it’ll make these dreams of feeling restricted and powerless go away.
Anyway, just wanted to share that before I update my list to see what kind of progress I’ve been making…
I hate December
I don’t want to remember it
I want to forget the way his warm lips felt
On my frozen skin
And the way his hair tickled my face…
I hate December
I will always
Or at least until I forget
The way he made my heart beat out of my chest
The way his arms wrapped around me
The way he told me he was glad he had found me…
And the rest of the months
I don’t want to think about him for once
And I’m tired
Of him starring in my nightmares
Please, put out the embers
On the first of December
I want to forget
I’m going back to sleep
Wake me up when December ends
© 2013 VicRomero
*image from google