My blog has been a little abandoned lately, despite my valiant efforts to care for it. I’ve been having a difficult time harnessing my creativity and inspiration lately, plus all of the posts that I’ve been working on for a few months are no longer interesting to me. I desperately wanted to share something though, so I forced myself to write my most recent post, but I didn’t feel the usual rush of excitement when I was writing it. It was an unsatisfying experience, and this blog is not a space to write unsatisfying posts.
I suspect my lack of inspiration these days may be attributed to the injured relationship I have with myself right now. It’s the same old story: I’m still looking for a full-time job, and my ego is suffering. I’ve been writing about this issue for months and I don’t want to talk about it anymore. I also don’t want to talk about myself at all.
So, instead of writing blogs, I’ve been working on some fictional pieces to practice writing creatively. One of my resolutions this year is to work on a long-term writing project, so writing short, fictional pieces aligns with that goal. Due to my lack of creativity at the moment, it’s been a little difficult to finish a piece…but stay tuned.
I stared up at the ceiling fan as it whirled overhead. It was attempting to provide a breeze in the sweltering evening heat but to little avail. My oversized t-shirt clung to my back, sticky with perspiration. I raised my feet into the air, feeling the slight breeze tickle my soles. Then I rolled onto my right side and stared directly into the electric fan. The wind it created was aggressive and loud. My hair blew off of my face and I sighed blissfully.
Then my phone pinged.
I glanced at it, unamused, and snatched it off of the chipping, white side table. It was Ashley.
I heard what happened to you and Tom. I’m so sorry.
I frowned and turned off my phone. She’s not sorry, she is probably thrilled that he’s now available. She always liked him. I could tell by the way she looked at him and how she talked to him.
I rolled back onto my back and resumed staring into the ceiling fan, hoping to be hypnotized into a deep sleep.
Sleep. What a foreign concept to me at this point. I haven’t slept since we broke up a week ago. It’s been even longer since I’ve slept alone. Two years. It’s been two years…I don’t know how to sleep alone anymore.
I closed my eyes, hoping that if I pretended to be asleep, I’d eventually trick myself into falling asleep this time. Instead of looking at the back of my eyelids though, I was confronted by Tom’s face hovering over me, illuminated by the moon through the window. He was smiling mischievously, some locks of his golden hair falling into his eyes. Then I felt his warm, calloused fingers draw circles on my right arm. His breath was warm when he leaned in and whispered in my ear, “Tell me what you want.”
I smiled, relieved that he was back. He tenderly kissed my face, but when I tried to kiss him, he shook his head, his grin widening.
“Tell me first,” he said, kissing my neck. The sensation sent chills down my body, and simultaneously ignited my skin. “Tell me what you want.”
I slid my hand across my hot stomach and brushed the top of my pubic bone.
“I want you,” I gasped as my fingers dipped lower, probingly.
“What do you want me to do?” he asked, kissing his way down my chest.
My touch sent a wave of warmth over my body. “I want you to…” I panted.
“What do you want me to do?” he asked, looking into my eyes.
“I want you to—”
Then my body shook, and everything felt like it was on fire.
When my breathing slowed and I relaxed, I whispered, “I want you to be here.” I opened my eyes expectedly as if I had just performed a spell to summon him. All I saw though, was the whirling ceiling fan in my dark room. I was alone.
My face crumbled. The satisfaction that I created dissipated and tears streamed down my cheeks.
© 2018 Vic Romero – Performance Poetics Spring 2018
I haven’t been writing much lately, I barely even write little story/poem ideas in my phone anymore. My friend from Opuss named Pat once told me that writing is for the solemn, and since I am not solemn so much because of all this change that I have endured during my final year of high school…I have become more comfortable with myself, I made friends, I found love…I haven’t been as interested in writing because I want to live. The only things I have written really are solemn posts about my parents. But I don’t want the struggles that I have with my parents to be what my website, “Unzip These Lips”, becomes. I have lost sight of being creative…writing more than just my emotions. I have stopped creating alternate worlds with a rainbow variety of characters that are trying to solve crimes, find love…etc.
The past few days my fingers have been twitching, desiring to write again. I didn’t know what I wanted to write but after some thought, I have some project ideas to keep me preoccupied when I’m home and have some time to relax. So…here are the ideas…
1. My best friend, Rachel, just flew to China this morning to visit her family. She’s going to be there for most of the summer and because we’re both going off to college in different states, I don’t know when I’ll see her again. I’m planning on emailing her, which is something that we’ve partaken in almost every summer since middle school so…I was thinking about posting some of my emails here. I want my website to consist of everything that I am…and documentation of recent events in my life is part of who I am, along with creative stories and poetry…and any other medium that I can think of. The series of emails will be called “Letters To Rachel” (I know, so creative) and there’s not going to be a schedule for them because I don’t know how frequently we’ll email. If we don’t email for awhile though I may just write some blogs every now and again solely for my website.
2. The last official project idea I have is to write a mystery series. Last summer I was involved in a couple of projects with other writers from Opuss where we passed the mystery story around and added parts accordingly…this summer I want to try to write a whole story, from beginning to finish, myself. I feel like I began my interest in writing because of my love of books, and when I began writing it was initially stories so…I want to continue that. I’ll try publishing a part of the mystery every other week, I’m not sure what day yet.
My unofficial projects are to write poetry that isn’t solely based on my personal moods. I want to write creative poetry as well.
Anyway…just thought I would share this all. By writing it down I feel like I’m committing too so…hopefully I can commit.
I hope you all are having a great summer so far and have a fantastic July Fourth tomorrow!