• Speaking My Mind

    Growing and Flowing

    You know how most of my blog posts for the past year have been about the devastating/depressing/frustrating/stressful process that is job-searching?

    Well, last weekend, that process came to an abrupt halt because I got two job offers! Yes. I got two job offers in one weekend.

    It was surreal! It still feels surreal! About a year of job-hunting has gone by without interest from any employer, despite the plethora of contacts that my parents have given me and despite utilizing recruiting agencies. Then, suddenly, I got two job offers in the same weekend. I felt like a hot commodity finding myself in a love triangle of job offers!

    Well, I accepted one of the job offers, and I begin on Monday.

    I’m genuinely excited about the job and I’m so grateful for how everything has panned out. The process has been grueling, but in hindsight, I can see that this is how it all was supposed to go. It all has flowed seamlessly, I just had to lean into the process rather than resist it. Before it felt like I was trudging through honey, but now I feel like I’m flowing with ease.

    So let’s dive right in into the two contenders for my heart in this love triangle, and then the Law of Attraction journey to landing the job!

    Contender 1: The Loyal and Reliable One

    One of the job offers actually came from my own contact through my yoga job. I wasn’t expecting my part-time yoga job to end up connecting me to a full-time professional job, but the Universe works in mysterious ways!

    Even how I got a yoga job was mysterious.

    Essentially, I was skeptical I was even going to have an opportunity to teach yoga. I didn’t have any relationships with yoga studios in my hometown and in my area, it’s difficult to get a yoga teaching job. Rejections both from yoga studios and from professional jobs were beginning to weigh me down, so on the drive to my last yoga audition at a community center, I vowed that I would put a hold on yoga job-hunting if it didn’t pan out.

    The last yoga audition I had was for a position not exactly at the most desirable hour (5:45am!), but my then-girlfriend insisted I go for it. I’m glad I did because I got offered the job offer right then and there!

    Months later, the community center has become a second home to me and it has provided me with grounding when I’ve been entirely off-kilter.

    They trained me in CPR and first-aid and they provided me with a membership as well, so I’ve been able to take yoga classes with others rather than doing yoga entirely by myself. Plus, I sub for other yoga teachers whenever I can, and I have challenged myself by trying other workouts as well, such as cycling, which I have come to love.

    My boss appreciates my contribution to the community and she has provided me with the opportunity to try teaching an additional yoga class on Sunday afternoons to see how it goes! This part-time yoga job has provided so much for me just in regards to yoga, but the story doesn’t end there!

    One Friday night there was a happy hour for instructors, and I attended despite my hesitation to go because I was exhausted. I’m eternally grateful I did attend because I ended up chatting with my boss and other instructors about my job-hunting woes and how my temp job was ending the following week, so I desperately needed a new job. Well, one of the instructors told her husband, who was looking for an employee, and then told my boss about it. My boss raved about me to her husband, who was looking for someone with more accounting experience than I have, but he ended up offering the job to me because of my relationship with my boss!

    Contender 2: The Mysterious One

    The second job offer I had was through Indeed, so the story isn’t as glamorous.

    Basically, my positive attitude and perspective that I’m continuously working on helped me land a job offer with the second contender. I know this because the owner of the company, who sat in during all the interviews, told me.

    The Law of Attraction Journey

    Obviously, I’ve been working really hard toward getting at least one job offer, but I strongly believe that I successfully harnessed the Law of Attraction in my favor too.

    During the month I was working at my temp job, I was reading a book that my wonderful then-girlfriend lent me about the Law of Attraction. One of the ideas detailed in the book was to ask the Universe directly for what you want by pretending you are placing an order. When you order something online or in a restaurant, you don’t order it again because you know you are going to get it. You don’t think about it again either, except to maybe visualize receiving it and to be excited about whatever it is you ordered.

    One day, I decided to try this idea. I wrote in my journal the things that I wanted in a job and then I wrote “I have asked and now I believe that I have already received. I have placed my order and I’m experiencing it now.”

    Below is my “order:”

    • I want to be in a company where I can grow
    • I want to have a routine and enjoy my coworkers
    • I want to be challenged without being excessively stressed
    • I want to be close enough to home (for now)
    • I want to feel excited about my job
    • I want to build a community
    • I want to be able to work from home and I want generous PTO
    • I want to be able to continue to pursue my passions (yoga teaching, writing, etc)
    • I want to be paid fairly
    • I want to have reasonable hours
    • I want to have a social life outside of work
    • I want to travel on my PTO and invest in a car/an apartment
    • I want to save for retirement and buy stocks
    • I want a benefits package

    When I thought about job-hunting again, instead of regarding it as a dreadful, tiresome experience as I have been for the last year or so, I thought “I ordered a job, and I’m going to get it. It’s on its way.”

    This thinking allowed me to relax a bit and not be so hard on myself. I focused instead on raising my vibration and feeling joy.

    During my last week at my temp job, however, I was upset that everything in my life seemed to be ending. The temp job and my relationship with my girlfriend had come to a close, and my future felt incredibly uncertain.

    That changed a few days later when my supervisor asked me about working an extra two days after I was technically done. A few days and job interviews later, and I got two job offers as well!

    I spent the weekend weighing pros and cons to both jobs with my family, and then I opted for the job I got through my yoga job. I believe this position aligns with my “order” well, although both offers did. Anyway, I am so excited about this job and I’m excited to see how this opportunity will challenge me and allow me to grow.

    Evidently, I’ve learned so much from this process, and I will undoubtedly continue to learn more when I start working. I can’t wait to share it all!

    So, the main takeaway: grow and flow, flow and grow.

    xx Vic

     

  • Speaking My Mind

    Fear of Loss and Change

    Although the relationship ended almost two weeks ago now, I haven’t processed it fully. That’s partly because my ex and I had been talking about the possibility of trying again, even though I’ve known all along that my heart doesn’t want to try anymore. On the other hand, I wanted to want to try to make things work between us. I had ended things, but I wasn’t ready to let go.

    In general, I have a difficult time making decisions because of the finality of them. Even when I make a decision, I’m afraid to stand by it.

    Since she knows my patterns, she suspected that I was unintentionally leading her on, so she told me about it. Then I did some meditating for a few days and reflected. I was reminded of one of the Yoga Kleshas called Abhinivesa. I tend to forget all of the other Kleshas, but this one has always resonated with me because it addresses the fear and worry of loss and change. In hindsight, the entirety of my post-grad life has been about releasing worry and fear. During my job search, I’ve been trying to secure a job offer, but after the interviews, I become mentally consumed with the fear of getting a job.

    If I get the job, will I still be able to teach yoga? Will the commute be too arduous? Will I have to move? Where will I move? How am I going to get a car? Will I have to work too many hours? Will I always get home when everyone is asleep? What if I become depressed from working? How will I be able to maintain my self-care practices while working full time? How will I find balance? 

    A month ago, I had told my yoga teacher about this problem, and she informed me that there was no possibility of me moving forward if I am caught up in anxiety and fear. In order to move forward, I have to channel all my energy forward without clutching onto my fears.

    Relationships are obviously different than personal goals, but I was trapped in the same cycle of trying to move forward while holding onto my fear of loss and change. When I realized this, my girlfriend and I talked on the phone about the finality of our breakup.

    So…now I’m spending time healing from that before my life becomes busy again. I’m grateful to have some time to rest, reflect, and heal. Part of my reflecting process includes reflecting on an oracle card reading I did last week, right after the breakup. The reading continues to be relevant, so I decided to share it below.

    Surrendering – An Oracle Card Reading

    1. The first card, which represents where I’m at now, is Divine Support. This card is associated with the sacred, cosmic sound of “Aum” that brought the world into existence. This card reveals that Ganesha wants to assist me in my divine path away from fear, distress, and anguish and towards light and love of myself. As I face all these obstacles and changes in my life, I struggle not to doubt or worry about my decisions. I’ve sought out more introspective self-care such as journaling, meditation, and yin yoga. I love chanting, particularly chanting “Aum,” which helps me feel connected to the Universe.
    2. The second card represents my next step, which is Acceptance. The card advises that I accept things as they are and that I release blame, anger, and sorrow so that I can continue on my spiritual adventure. When I overcome those obstacles, the ego can align with the soul. As I come to find acceptance, I must remember happiness, find contentment, recognize beauty within, and look at the world through a more spiritual perspective. Ganesha supposedly consumed the sadness of the Universe, which is comforting because I’ve been feeling lots of sadness in waves. When I worry, doubt, regret, or anguish creep up in my mind, I recall why I chose the path that I did. Then I accept it for what it is. I want to feel all the feelings so I can accept things as they are and move forward. Again, meditating and yoga play a huge roll in this process.
    3. My obstacle is Nurture. This card represents creating a calm and balanced life. To achieve this, I need to slow down and deal with issues as they arise. This card is associated with the heart chakra. This card advises finding female friends. I have been connecting with my friends more during this difficult time. I can’t help but wonder if sharing with my fam is the intention of the obstacle…but I’m not ready to do that yet. It took a lot to fight for the presence of this relationship and I’m reluctant to share its demise. I also don’t want to be vulnerable with them yet. I rather keep it to myself. Which may be why this is an obstacle.
    4. My resource to overcome my obstacle is my Inner Knowing. This means that it is a time for soul searching and to look for guidance within. This card states that I need to seek truth and to use meditation, consideration, and self-assessment to evaluate my direction. This card notes that my priorities may shift and to seek alone time. I think all my journaling has helped strengthen my inner knowing. I’m proud to have honed this and found more confidence in myself by exploring my inner knowing through writing. I plan to continue to grow because it will take me to the next experience.
    5. My final outcome is Surrender. Rest and recover from the challenges and lessons that I have experienced. Stabilize energy. To me, this is similar to acceptance but it’s more passive. It makes sense that this is what I need. As all these things conclude, it’s time to rest. Resting will refuel me for the next thing. Instead of regarding the break between jobs as a desperate time to obtain another job, use the time to surrender, rest, and refuel. Same thing for my relationship. It’s time to turn inward.

    xx Vic

  • Speaking My Mind

    Time to Try

    For the first time in four years, I had an anxiety attack.

    It completely caught me off-guard, despite the fact that I had been nervously calling my girlfriend, my sister, and my mom on the phone for an hour before it had happened. Also despite the fact that I’ve been practicing some negative daily habits for weeks as a result of a Vata-imbalance.

    For me, that entails following my whims: I fall asleep whenever I want to (AKA never a reasonable hour), I sleep in late, I create ideas but I don’t bring them into reality, I stress-eat, I distract myself with interminable episodes New Girl (which is a great show), and I lack a routine for diet or otherwise.

    Anyway, right before the anxiety attack, I was driving during one of the phone calls with my girlfriend, and my answers to her questions quickly became hysterical to the point where I couldn’t breathe and I had to pull over. It was horrible.

    The last time this happened to me, I was preparing for midterms as a first semester, first-year student at a large University. I was also recuperating from an awful breakup, I was homesick, and I was just…learning how to flourish when everything was incredibly new and overwhelming.

    I was afraid of failing my classes, nervous that I wouldn’t be able to make friends, and worried that I wouldn’t be able to succeed in college.

    While my circumstances are completely different now– I’m a graduate of that University, I overcame homesickness, and I have an amazing relationship that is so much better than I could have imagined– I am now learning how to flourish as an adult. It’s incredibly new to me and it’s overwhelming.

    I published a post recently about my fears, but they’re rather surface-level. My more deep-seated fears include being afraid of making a “wrong” decision, nervous to embark on something “too risky,” and worried that I can’t succeed in the real world.

    All of these fears have ultimately culminated in the stunting of my growth. My fears have become my reality because I haven’t been challenging them…instead, I’ve been holding myself back to prevent myself from my perception of disaster. Then I’ve been blaming everyone else for holding me back.

    After my anxiety attack, my sister pointed out that I have a difficult time making a decision because I have all these “ideas” but I hardly execute them. She also informed me that I doubt and second-guess myself consistently. How can I expect to move forward if my energy is so self-destructive?

    Prior to the post about my fears, I wrote about manifesting and persistence. While they are extremely vital methods toward success, they are insufficient if the way I treat myself is negative. So, more importantly, how can I channel positive, confident, loving energy toward myself to raise my vibration and ultimately attract other high-vibe opportunities that would enable me to achieve my goals?

    Well, this anxiety attack was a wake-up call that I’m not okay with holding myself back any longer. Now is the time to break this cycle and challenge my fears. Now is the time to take risks that may not always be successful, but that’s part of learning! Now is the time to try.

    xx Vic

  • Speaking My Mind

    Pumpkin Spice, Everything (Will Be) Nice

    These last few days have been emotionally tumultuous for me, so I’ve been recharging in Starbucks sipping on iced pumpkin spiced lattes. They’re a delicious treat and I feel a bit better after consuming them. It’s also nice to be out of my house considering I did not leave my house at all in the last two days…which is probably not healthy but I don’t really have anywhere to go these days. Not leaving my house is definitely one of the many reasons I feel emotionally out of balance as a Vata person.

    In Ayuverda, which is the sister science to Yoga, I am predominantly a Vata person. I can explain this more in a different post, or you can look it up…but to explain briefly: Ayuverda is a method of characterizing everything in the universe, and there are three Doshas that can be used to describe it all in a very detailed manner. Everything has all three Doshas, but sometimes one is more prominent. Vata is only one of the Doshas, and in regards to how this Dosha appears in people, it includes being tall and slim, physically cold, creative, and idealistic. Some of the things that imbalance a Vata person are a lack of schedule, stress, and instability. I have been experiencing all three.

    While I have stability in the sense that I have a roof over my head, clean water, and food, everything else in my life feels unstable. It’s the dance that all twenty-somethings that graduate from college have to do, and I feel like if someone were to rate my performance thus far, it’d be a lackluster rating.

    The lack of a schedule, while everyone else is busy with school and/or work, is really getting to me now that my sister went back to school. For the first time since I was born, I’m living at home with only my parents around. It’s kind of weird honestly…so I’ve been spending a lot of time in my room.

    There have been perks with that though because I’ve finally been making progress with my room. My mom bought me some new furniture to store items in and my room feels so much more peaceful. I have to tidy up my floor now and then do some more minor organizing, but I plan to get the biggest stuff finished this week. I will share pictures soon.

    Aside from cleaning my room, I’ve also been reading daily before I go to sleep instead of wasting time on social media. I have finished three books I had half-read: The Period Repair Manual by Lara Briden, The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer, and The Handmaid’s Tale by Margaret Atwood. I plan to finish Don Quixote next, although it may take more time considering how large the book is.

    The only tasks on my schedule lately are job interviews, which is super stressful. All of my interviews have been phone interviews so I don’t have to go anywhere and I also haven’t been getting dressed for the day because I spend so much of my time at home. My interviews seem to be going well for the most part. I did have a terrible interview experience though…perhaps I’ll talk more about that in a different post.

    I know I have said this before, but maybe it really is time to look for part-time work? At this point, based off of my interviews, I won’t be working until October 1st at the earliest, but that’s assuming I get second-interviews and then a job offer before then. If that doesn’t happen, I may end up not working until December, January, or even later. Ideally, I’d like my part-time work to be yoga related…but considering how volatile my self-esteem is these days, it’s so hard to put myself out there face-to-face with someone. My girlfriend recommended I put teaching yoga on the back-burner for now because when the time is right for me to teach, I will be able to teach. I do have a yoga audition today though…but yeah maybe I’ll hold off on it for a while.

    It feels like I’m just “holding off” on everything. I’m postponing taking the GRE, applying to grad schools, and thus, attending grad school. I am also postponing getting a yoga job and it seems like the universe has decided for me that I am postponing working full-time for at least another month.

    People don’t talk truthfully enough about the frustration, depression, and self-doubt that comes with graduating from college and then trying to get a job. I feel like people only talk about those feelings in hindsight once they get a job, so their perspective on the situation is different at that point. They see their challenges through rose-colored glasses because they had overcome the job-hunting challenge.

    Well let me be honest: post-grad life is grueling.

    College is super stressful, but this is a whole different type of stress because you will be on your own and you will be trying to be an “adult.” Plus you will get asked by everyone you interact with the dreaded “so what are you doing now that you graduated?” and as the months go by and if you still don’t have an answer, you will seem and you will feel more pathetic. All you will do is worry because you won’t want to dread that question, you will want to answer it and you will want to be excited about your answer, but you will have no idea what/when/how you will have the answer.

    Every job application you send out will feel desperate and you will just hope that the employers can’t tell. You will feign enthusiasm in every interview you manage to get, but the second you leave you will be overcome with negativity and self-doubt. Every rejection you get will feel personal, because it kind of is, and you will doubt every decision you’ve ever made in college ie maybe you should have studied something else, maybe you’re not an ideal candidate for any job because of XYZ.

    It will feel like everyone is judging you, especially your parents/guardians, especially if you live with them because everyone is judging you. “Judging” is essentially what employers do. No one will judge you as much as you judge yourself though.

    Right now, on the mental and emotional spectrum of Esther Greenwood in The Bell Jar (clinically depressed) to Don Quixote from Don Quixote (unaware of his senselessness but unwaveringly believes in himself, disregarding the ridicule from anyone else), I feel closer to Esther Greenwood. I would love to be more like Don Quixote.

    Hence why I got dressed for once to be seen in public, went to Starbucks, and got an iced pumpkin spice latte.

    Pumpkin spice, everything will hopefully be nice eventually.

    xx Vic

  • Woman kissing the cheek of another woman with trees and grass in the background.
    Yoga

    Yogi-In-Training: Trust

    My second week of yoga has come and gone, and now I only have three weeks left! The fourth week consists of only two days of training and the final week is testing. So technically, tomorrow begins the last full week of training!

    I’ve made improvements in my confidence since last week! For example, I haven’t cried this past week and I have changed my perspective in my class by honoring where my body is at rather than criticizing myself. I have also come out of my comfort zone a bit by talking more with my peers and now I eat lunch and talk with some of them.

    Last Wednesday we went into the city and we did acro-yoga which is acrobatics combined with yoga. It requires serious trust in your partners in order to execute the poses safely. I challenged myself by trying things I otherwise would have never done, but I like that about this experience because I’ve been challenging myself constantly. By doing so, I surprise myself with what I am capable of. It’s quite satisfying.

    My latest surprise was when I did a forearm stand. So far, I’ve only been able to do it with an assist and I haven’t been able to hold it, but I hope to be able to improve next week. I’ve realized that not only do these challenging poses require confidence, but they also require trust, whether that be in yourself or whoever/whatever is supporting you.

    Evidently, this training has allowed me to learn more than just yoga, and it’s fantastic. I’m excited to graduate and to see where my new certificate will take me. Where will I teach what I’ve learned? What will I do to continue to learn?

    If I could do anything with my life…I would want to teach and write, whether that be for my own business, for research, or for a book. I would like to travel internationally and domestically to teach and to learn from other people and cultures too.

    I can do anything with my life though so it’s just a matter of how I want to make this happen and what opportunities will arise that will shape my life. I often feel a little skeptical of how the universe unfolds but I know I have to trust that I will be where I need to be.

    How was this past week for you? What are you looking forward to this week? What are your intentions for this week?

    xx Vic

  • Speaking My Mind

    Nightdwelling: Job-Hunting

    It’s been quite awhile since I lied in bed, unable to quiet my mind, and just write. I find it unusual that I’m not alone in my bed as I’m writing, unlike years past. Tonight my girlfriend is sleeping beside me, blissfully unaware of my mental torment.

    I’m not feeling quite as angsty as Victoria at 16 when she stayed up until 3am just writing, but I’m angstier than usual. Perhaps it’s due to the new moon or the hormonal week I had last week, or perhaps it’s because of my deceased cousin’s birthday, which just passed. I’m also not feeling great due to the sudden onslaught of allergies that now keeps me up at night because I can’t breathe too well.

    (Super cute side-note, I coughed, which surprisingly woke up my girlfriend, who then sat up right, asked me if I was okay, kissed my cheek and then rested her head on my chest and fell back asleep. So…she may not be as blissfully unaware as I had assumed).

    Anyway…I just want to check in and chat. Release some of my angsty feelings!

    I’ve been quite concerned about money lately. I’ve been spending more of it than I care to admit, while not making nearly enough to support my lavish lifestyle. Right now, I’m at least working a little bit, but in two weeks or so, I will not have a job anymore. Obviously, a solution to my anxiety is to get a job so I can make money and actually live within my means, but the truth of the matter is that I’ve been…avoiding looking for a job.

    I’ve been doing the work to develop a good mindset and to understand the “game” that is job hunting. My aunt got me a book called What Color is Your Parachute?, which is a great book for job hunters. It’s been more insightful than all of my career preparation, which is pretty extensive, although still insufficient. I’ve also revamped my resume and I’ve been working on my confidence and my mental well-being. Now, I just have to apply all the work I’ve been doing by taking action and actually job-hunt.

    One of my old study buddies emphasized my need to take action. We met up last week to catch up for the first time all semester. We used to struggle together for our classes, but she didn’t seem to be struggling anymore because she had it all figured out since she got a job recently. I felt pretty lame in comparison with my elusive plans and my carefree attitude, to which she responded that I should look for a job because it won’t fall into my lap.

    I’m not going to delve into the frustration, self-pity, and self-doubt I experienced due to this interaction, but she did have a point. I need to start looking for a job. That in itself is like a full-time job though, which I find to be unpleasant, although necessary.

    I want to get a job so I can be independent, have somewhere to be every day, and to gain some work experience that may inspire my decision about doctorate programs. I have to remember this when I resume looking rather than focusing on my fears and hesitations about the job hunt. I have goals, thus I need to take action.

    Do y’all ever struggle with the job-hunt? What do you do to motivate yourself?

    xx Vic

    I wrote this back when I was still in school, and the job-struggle is stronger now that I’ve graduated. My parents and girlfriend have been helping me as much as they can, which has been wonderful. Hopefully I get some interviews soon.

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