• Speaking My Mind

    Fear of Loss and Change

    Although the relationship ended almost two weeks ago now, I haven’t processed it fully. That’s partly because my ex and I had been talking about the possibility of trying again, even though I’ve known all along that my heart doesn’t want to try anymore. On the other hand, I wanted to want to try to make things work between us. I had ended things, but I wasn’t ready to let go.

    In general, I have a difficult time making decisions because of the finality of them. Even when I make a decision, I’m afraid to stand by it.

    Since she knows my patterns, she suspected that I was unintentionally leading her on, so she told me about it. Then I did some meditating for a few days and reflected. I was reminded of one of the Yoga Kleshas called Abhinivesa. I tend to forget all of the other Kleshas, but this one has always resonated with me because it addresses the fear and worry of loss and change. In hindsight, the entirety of my post-grad life has been about releasing worry and fear. During my job search, I’ve been trying to secure a job offer, but after the interviews, I become mentally consumed with the fear of getting a job.

    If I get the job, will I still be able to teach yoga? Will the commute be too arduous? Will I have to move? Where will I move? How am I going to get a car? Will I have to work too many hours? Will I always get home when everyone is asleep? What if I become depressed from working? How will I be able to maintain my self-care practices while working full time? How will I find balance? 

    A month ago, I had told my yoga teacher about this problem, and she informed me that there was no possibility of me moving forward if I am caught up in anxiety and fear. In order to move forward, I have to channel all my energy forward without clutching onto my fears.

    Relationships are obviously different than personal goals, but I was trapped in the same cycle of trying to move forward while holding onto my fear of loss and change. When I realized this, my girlfriend and I talked on the phone about the finality of our breakup.

    So…now I’m spending time healing from that before my life becomes busy again. I’m grateful to have some time to rest, reflect, and heal. Part of my reflecting process includes reflecting on an oracle card reading I did last week, right after the breakup. The reading continues to be relevant, so I decided to share it below.

    Surrendering – An Oracle Card Reading

    1. The first card, which represents where I’m at now, is Divine Support. This card is associated with the sacred, cosmic sound of “Aum” that brought the world into existence. This card reveals that Ganesha wants to assist me in my divine path away from fear, distress, and anguish and towards light and love of myself. As I face all these obstacles and changes in my life, I struggle not to doubt or worry about my decisions. I’ve sought out more introspective self-care such as journaling, meditation, and yin yoga. I love chanting, particularly chanting “Aum,” which helps me feel connected to the Universe.
    2. The second card represents my next step, which is Acceptance. The card advises that I accept things as they are and that I release blame, anger, and sorrow so that I can continue on my spiritual adventure. When I overcome those obstacles, the ego can align with the soul. As I come to find acceptance, I must remember happiness, find contentment, recognize beauty within, and look at the world through a more spiritual perspective. Ganesha supposedly consumed the sadness of the Universe, which is comforting because I’ve been feeling lots of sadness in waves. When I worry, doubt, regret, or anguish creep up in my mind, I recall why I chose the path that I did. Then I accept it for what it is. I want to feel all the feelings so I can accept things as they are and move forward. Again, meditating and yoga play a huge roll in this process.
    3. My obstacle is Nurture. This card represents creating a calm and balanced life. To achieve this, I need to slow down and deal with issues as they arise. This card is associated with the heart chakra. This card advises finding female friends. I have been connecting with my friends more during this difficult time. I can’t help but wonder if sharing with my fam is the intention of the obstacle…but I’m not ready to do that yet. It took a lot to fight for the presence of this relationship and I’m reluctant to share its demise. I also don’t want to be vulnerable with them yet. I rather keep it to myself. Which may be why this is an obstacle.
    4. My resource to overcome my obstacle is my Inner Knowing. This means that it is a time for soul searching and to look for guidance within. This card states that I need to seek truth and to use meditation, consideration, and self-assessment to evaluate my direction. This card notes that my priorities may shift and to seek alone time. I think all my journaling has helped strengthen my inner knowing. I’m proud to have honed this and found more confidence in myself by exploring my inner knowing through writing. I plan to continue to grow because it will take me to the next experience.
    5. My final outcome is Surrender. Rest and recover from the challenges and lessons that I have experienced. Stabilize energy. To me, this is similar to acceptance but it’s more passive. It makes sense that this is what I need. As all these things conclude, it’s time to rest. Resting will refuel me for the next thing. Instead of regarding the break between jobs as a desperate time to obtain another job, use the time to surrender, rest, and refuel. Same thing for my relationship. It’s time to turn inward.

    xx Vic

  • Speaking My Mind

    Lessons from My Relationships

    I wasn’t expecting to ever be single again, but here I am. Single. It’s still surreal, but that’s probably because it’s a fresh wound. We called it quits only yesterday.

    So, how am I feeling? I’m both devastated and relieved, regretful yet confident, depressed but also accepting of it. Essentially, I’m feeling a mixed bag of emotions. My feelings are overwhelming and they ebb and flow, but it’s part of the breakup process, which I’ve become familiar with. I mean, it’s been a while since I’ve gone through this process, but it’s hard to forget something so emotionally messy.

    To help myself with my healing process, and perhaps to help anyone else that is going through a break-up, I would like to share some notable lessons I have learned from the three relationships that I’ve had. Well…one of them was a confusing friends-with-benefits situation, but it taught me a lot, so I included it.

    1. My First Love

    My first girlfriend introduced me to the world of dating and lesbian relationships. She was my first kiss and my first love. She supported me during my horrific experience coming out to my family. I enjoyed my time with her during my senior year of high school until we broke up during my first semester of college.

    Although she wasn’t a terrible girlfriend, she left much to be desired. We seldom hung out outside of work or her house. She never wanted to do any of the activities that I proposed to her, but she would feign interest and then flake last minute. So, she also had horrible communication skills, which I somehow overlooked until she broke up with me by completely ignoring me.

    From that relationship, I learned that I wanted a girlfriend that made an effort to spend time with me. I also learned that if someone hints that they aren’t interested in you anymore (AKA by completely ignoring you), take the hint. It’s not worth chasing people if their heart isn’t in it. Not everything is meant to last forever, and that’s okay.

    2. The Dick, AKA the Friends-With-Benefits Dick

    I hate talking about this guy, but he’s important for the purpose of these “relationship lessons.” To summarize our shitty interaction that lasted too many months: he never spent time with me outside of a bedroom, he didn’t respect me at all, and he was only my “friend” (with conditions) until he got what he wanted from me.

    I learned that I needed to follow my heart. I had wanted to end the relationship for weeks, but I was afraid to end it. Thus, we only stopped being FWB after he was “done” with me, and he made that clear when he never reached out to me again. Ultimately, I had chosen to protect my fears at the expense of myself, and it took a long time to forgive myself for that and to heal from the wounds he left.

    The main takeaway: DON’T TAKE SHIT!!!!!

    3. My Truest Love

    I was introduced to my most recent girlfriend during the darkest period of my life: I was depressed from the devastating and shocking loss of my cousin. She supported me, cared for me…she was so patient and kind to me. We became close friends. She chased me from the very beginning because she wanted me to be hers, and even when I was hers, she never stopped chasing me. By that, I mean that she continuously prioritized me and made me feel wanted. She valued me as a person. She initiated dates with me, and thus, we’ve gone on many adventures together. Being in love with her made me want to come out to my family for a second time, and she supported me through that. The relationship I had with her is the longest relationship I’ve been in, and she’s been part of significant accomplishments in my life. Our relationship was really beautiful, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

    Although there were so many amazing aspects of our relationship, eventually they weren’t enough to sustain a healthy relationship. In fact, things became very challenging between us as adulthood became more demanding. As young adults trying to navigate the most tumultuous time of our lives, we had been suffering as individuals and bringing that negativity into our relationship. It is impossible to sustain a healthy relationship when both people are suffering.

    When I realized that we were enduring a repetitive, toxic cycle, I began to reflect on the lessons from my previous relationships. For the first time in my life, I took my own advice.

    I’m proud to have been confident in myself to end things before it became more toxic or before we grew to hate each other. I followed my heart, and it was super hard…it still is hard, but I know I made the right choice. I’m also proud that I practiced bravery and patience with her so that we were able to break up in person, face-to-face. She was able to walk away feeling as respected as possible, which is really important to me. Thus, we ended things on a rather positive note for a breakup, so there’s potential for reconnecting if that’s in our future.

    I’m sure there are lessons from this most recent relationship, but it’s still too soon to know. The pain is too fresh to be objectively reflective. If/when that happens, I’ll be sure to share those lessons.

    Do you have any relationship lessons that you would like to share? Please tell me in the comments below!

    xx Vic

     

  • Poetry

    roses smell when they rot

    slowly,

    slowly

    you fall in slow-motion:

    eyes wide

    as you realize you are falling

    and as your hand is ripped

    out of mine

    ruby lips agape

    i’m entranced by the shock

    that is spread across your face

    the shock that you feign

    because, c’mon-

    we both saw this coming

    but unlike you,

    i opted to cross

    the street and let you go

     

    your head smacks the ground

    splitting open like a juicy watermelon

    the fresh flesh gushing out of the cracks

    forming rivulets that crawl over the pavement

    like red highlights in your hair

     

    © 2017 Vic Romero

     

     

     

  • Speaking My Mind

    I Am A Badass

    I’m feeling…a little gloomy I guess. For the most part, I’m feeling positive but…there’s a twinge of sadness mixed in there too.

    I had an intense and difficult conversation with my girlfriend last night and now I’m thinking about how to…improve some things in my life. Right now, it’s not at the forefront of my mind because there are some awesome things that are happening before I would have to address the things that I spoke about with my girlfriend. For example, tomorrow I’m presenting my thesis at a state conference for Women’s and Gender Studies! So I’m more focused on that right now, but once that and a few other things are over, I’ll have to resume determining how to make things better.

    The things I’d like to improve are in regards to the relationship between my girlfriend and my family, which I’ve mentioned several times before. The relationship between them is not hostile, but it’s not exactly warm either…and we’ll be dating for a year in 11 days. Plus I’m moving home in about 30 days so things can’t stay as they are right now because if they do, my mental health will suffer. This is why I’m going to develop a plan with my therapist in about two weeks to help me navigate the tension in a manner that will ultimately serve my well-being.

  • Speaking My Mind

    Fuck Me Gently with a Chainsaw

    I need to work on my confidence. Since my senior year began, it has become more apparent that this is a quality I need to improve. I undermine my capabilities and knowledge, which incites others to do the same. It also leads to me having weak job candidacy and poor interviews.

    I feel like my job, which I love, has been contributing significantly to my mood lately cuz it’s been very stressful. We have a new staff and I feel like one new girl is undermining what I’m doing and I’ve been doing this for three years..but yeah it’s hard to rise above things. I feel like I haven’t had to do that in a professional setting before. It’s good practice cuz when it’s my career job, it’s more intense.

    But yeah…I’ve been feeling indigo and hard on myself. People have been weird with me too and it’s been affecting my productivity, which is intolerable. I don’t have that kind of time to waste, I’m very busy so I must write it out when things come up so I can release my feelings and move on with my day.

    After talking and venting to my girlfriend for a couple of hours yesterday, and then after calling my dad this morning, I feel better. I have support and good advice from people that care about me in my life.

  • Poetry

    roses smell when they rot

    slowly,

    slowly

    you fall in slow-motion:

    eyes wide

    as you realize you are falling

    and as your hand is ripped

    out of mine

    ruby lips agape

    i’m entranced by the shock

    that is spread across your face

    the shock that you feign

    because, c’mon-

    we both saw this coming

    but unlike you,

    i opted to cross

    the street and let you go

     

    your head smacks the ground

    splitting open like a juicy watermelon

    the fresh flesh gushing out of the cracks

    forming rivulets that crawl over the pavement

    like red highlights in your hair

     

    © 2017 Vic Romero

     

     

     

  • Speaking My Mind

    Absolutely Wonderful

    Have you ever learned something new about someone and then spend hours and hours reflecting on old memories and things they did or said that seemed weird to you just…make more sense?  Or now you have a greater understanding of who they truly are?

    The other day, my girlfriend opened up to me more about her past and…I’ve been reflecting on memories I have with her.  My opinion about her hasn’t changed but…I feel closer to her because I feel like I know her a little better than before.  And before I felt like I knew her pretty well so…it’s intense I guess.  Intense in a good way.

  • Speaking My Mind

    Not a Hollow Halloweekend

    Since the fallout with my friend, I’ve been waiting to feel crappy about it, but I haven’t.   Granted, I was very upset for about a week and I had nightmares, but that was it.  I think about her once in awhile, mostly when I’m drinking, but that will diminish over time.

    Perhaps I haven’t been so devasted because I subconsciously saw it coming.  We hadn’t talked much in last few months, the love I had for her was too intense to last, and/or the conflict of interest there was due to her relationship with her best friend…but at the same time, I didn’t think these things would result in the finiteness of our friendship.  I believed that if anything, we just wouldn’t be as close, which was okay with me.  Instead, however, we don’t talk at all.  She hasn’t reached out to me nor has she responded to my texts, even the ones where I was clearly upset.  It’s reminiscent of how my ex iced me out over two years ago now.

    It may also be because I’ve been busy with school, my other friends, and that I have other more pressing concerns.

  • Speaking My Mind,  unzipped lips

    Throwing Drunken Tantrums in the City Streets

    Every Friday night, I vow I will not hook up with him.

    I don’t want to hook up with him.  I never cum.  Because I don’t let him touch me. Because he doesn’t make me feel safe because he’s aggressive in a nonconsensual way.  I also don’t want to enjoy it.  Because then I will begin to actually like him.  And I can’t like him because he doesn’t like me.  And he’s too similar to my ex anyway.

    Regardless, once the weekend rolls around and I’ve had enough drinks, I am all over him.  And then I wake up naked and alone, feeling stupid.

  • Short Stories,  Speaking My Mind

    A Short Tale About A Tall Guy and the Shitty, Short “Relationship” I Had With Him (possibly to be continued)

    Told in the Form of Facebook Messages

    I met a guy I liked but he came on too strong so I told him I just wanted to be friends..we got drunk and then he convinced me we should kiss cuz people do it and ever since we’ve been hooking up

    All the affection from hooking up has caused me to like him again, along with getting to know him better like he’s a nice guy but now I’m just not sure

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