The last couple weeks of the semester has caused me to feel glum due to stress over my academics as well as my social life. To sum it up: I am in the middle. The in-between. The grey area.
Every aspect of my life seems to fit that description. My sexuality and race/ethnicity, as noted in this post, my affiliated religion (I don’t identify as anything, I just don’t think about it), my majors (WGS and Economics)..I can’t seem to ever fall into one, absolute category. Perhaps it’s because I’m going and I’m still discovering myself and the world or perhaps it’s a false pretense that people can ever fall into one category. Regardless, this thought also applies to my friends.
I don’t have a clique or group of friends. Every time I think I do, I get proven wrong. It’s exhausting, hurtful, and lonely. I was complaining to my good friend, Steph, about it and she told me it was okay to be an outsider in the sense I don’t belong anywhere, I just have random friends here and there. She said I have years to figure out the friends I want to be making and who stays in my life too. She’s right but..I think the nature of college is extremely lonely without a group. Without a group, you tend to get left out and excluded. At least that’s been my experience. If I commuted, for example, I probably wouldn’t care at all about lacking a social circle.
Anyway..I’m writing because despite how much I feel like an outsider, a misfit, a loner, or whatever it may be, I’ve done some pretty badass things. Perhaps I wouldn’t have done them if I didn’t feel so alone.
I wore my mom’s black, long-sleeved lace button-up shirt (wow, that’s a lot of adjectives) with a three-quarter sleeved shirt underneath. My tops were tucked into a high waisted, bright blue skirt paired with my cool Daisy Duck tattoo tights and really uncomfortable flats that I stole from my mom, but they look nice. I love the zippers.
I wore my signature black winged eyeliner because I can do it really quickly and it looks nice…I also wore my new favorite lipstick color, “Sin” by Mac with their “Burgundy” pencil liner. The only other lipstick color I have is also Mac and it’s called “Viva Glam.” It’s like a bright red color when paired with the lip pencil “Brick.” I love the bright red but I think for fall this darker, “sinful” color is cooler. I really wish I was able to snag the “Sin” lipstick that was part of the Rocky Horror Collection though.
Oh, the earrings I’m wearing are new! There’s a jewelry guy at my school so I’ve been making myself poor buying stuff from him lol
Today (Tuesday) I’m wearing a purple velvet tank top dress. I got it at Pac Sun, which I think is weird considering that they have a Cali vibe and this dress isn’t really “California-y” to me but I love it because I love purple.
I’m also wearing some acid-washed leggings I got at Forever 21 when acid-wash was really trendy. My tall lace-up boots and three-quarter sleeved cardigan finish off the look whoohoo!
The scarf isn’t part of my outfit, I was wearing it with my coat but anyway….this is just dark purple eyeshadow and I added a brighter, lighter purple to the center of my lids but I don’t think anyone can notice because the eyeshadow is so dark.
That’s it for today! If you like anything I wore please comment below, have a great night 🙂
“I’m sorry, Victoria.”
Those are the three words I heard the most often. They were often followed by “I love you.”
We were sitting in my car, I was crying and she was trying not to cry. I refused to look at her, and she refused to look away.
“I’m going to talk to my sister, I think.”
I nodded numbly.
“Can I have a hug at least?” she whispered. “A real hug?”
I shrugged and got out of my car. We met in front of the hood.
When her arms wrapped around me and her head was tucked into my chest, the tears overflowed. This…her being against me… it felt like it was where she belonged, and I wasn’t sure if she was going to stay. Or if she should stay.
She pulled away a bit to look up at me, and instantly my lips were drawn to her, wanting a taste.
“You never gave me those three kisses the other day,” I said.
She stood on her tiptoes and gave me four chaste kisses. “Now you have extra.”
I smiled and let her go.
I cried and pushed her away.
I begged and she came back.
Then she left again.