• Poetry

    Enjoy Me Slowly

    Enjoy me slowly,
    There’s no need to rush
    Undress my mind
    Like you would my body
    Savoring every moment-
    Every spark in between us.
    I don’t want to skip all the sweetness,
    For the sake of temporary pleasure
    If you are patient,
    You will get to enjoy my center.
    I’m not impressed by
    The size of your erection,
    How much you can lift,
    The places you’ve traveled,
    The things that you’ve seen,
    The wild sex that you’ve had,
    The competitions you’ve won,
    The fitness of your body,
    Or the motorcycle you ride.
    I want to know about your family,
    Your friends,
    The heartbreaks and joys you’ve experienced
    What activities make you feel the best
    What books you read
    What gets underneath your skin
    What challenges you
    What stimulates you…
    How do you feel about yourself?
    Do you enjoy where you’re at in your life?
    What else do you want to experience?

    I want you to want to know my answers to these questions too
    Because I want to share the deepest parts of myself with you.

    © 2019 Vic Romero

    All Rights Reserved

  • Speaking My Mind

    Post-Graduation Blues (Fake Happy)

    It’s ironic how happy I look in this photo considering that graduation has not been an entirely happy time. Granted, I took this photo a day or two before the graduation ceremonies and the drama occurred.

    During the first of the three commencements I attended, I was just trying not to cry the entire time. The second two ceremonies were less emotionally intense, despite the pouring rain, but afterward, my sister went to the ER during dinner due to a potential concussion (which thankfully, she didn’t have). This caused my mom to stress out excessively. Then I moved home, which was exhausting although my grandparents helped out tremendously. The next day, I went to a family dinner with my parents and my sister, which ended in tears on my part and my mom stormed out of the restaurant. She ignored me and my sister until the following evening. Lastly, my girlfriend got an internship, which is incredibly exciting but I’ve cried a ton because of it. The last part of these dramatic days is what I really want to talk about now because the other stuff has been resolved.

    I am afraid of being alone this summer, which seems like it’s going to happen anyway. This has caused me to spiral into sadness when the people around me are successful. Pretty much all my friends have jobs and/or are moving out of state/out of the country. No one is going to be local to me except for my sister, but even she has a job. I mean, yeah, I have a part-time job until mid-August that allows me to work remotely, which would allow me the time and flexibility to

    1. Research PhD programs
    2. Apply for jobs
    3. Study for the GREs
    4. Organize my life both physically (my room is a mess) and mentally (I’m a mess)
    5. Do my month-long, intensive yoga teacher training

    So yeah…I need to be alone to do most of these, if not all, of these activities. Therefore, I will have plenty of time to accomplish these goals because I have a part-time job during these critical summer months. On the other hand, though, I wanted to do fun activities and trips and because not even my girlfriend will be local to me now…I feel like I can’t do them unless I want to go on my own.

    My girlfriend said she is going to see me weekly, and I believe her but when she’s not seeing me, she’s going to be working and having fun where she’s at. Everyone is going to be having fun where they’re at. Meanwhile, I feel worried that I’m just going to be at my parents’ home, alone studying or something…which isn’t bad…I have different goals than her and everyone else for this summer but…I don’t know what my problem is. I’m jealous of everyone else, I’m comparing everyone else to myself, and so I feel bad about myself for no reason.

    She said I need to change my perspective, which I agree. I definitely need to do that.

    Maybe the interests and goals I have for my life will cause me to feel a little isolated from everyone, even if my friends and girlfriend were around. If I am going to be doing a PhD program, these feelings will probably continue because I’ll be spending a lot of time studying and working on the weekends, whereas my friends who get jobs with their Bachelor’s may be able to go to brunch on Sundays and mingle more.

    Regardless, this gap year or two or three that I am taking sucks. I feel stagnant and alone in that. I want to find a job but I haven’t been looking even though my girlfriend and mom send me job listings once in a while…I want to figure out a PhD program I’m interested in but I haven’t been looking at that either, although I’ve talked to my thesis advisors about it. My girlfriend said I’m avoiding things and so…yeah, I am. I’m unsure why though.

    I know in the past, avoidance is a method I practice when I’m either depressed or anxious. Perhaps I’m feeling a little bit of both right now. Possibly due to my graduation blues.

    Do people talk about how awful graduation is? Aside from the overwhelming emotions that arise during the ceremonies, afterward is so much worse. Suddenly, you go from having tons of friends within walking-distance to having no friends nearby. All your friends become busy with their adult lives and you’re stuck living at home with your parents, who ask you daily about getting a job (if you don’t already have one, like me). The possibility of getting a job, being able to move out, and make friends/have friends feels impossible. Not only does that feel impossible, but so does working toward a doctorate because there are 100,000 steps I have to take before even applying for a program.

    Maybe I’m a little depressed and anxious and I didn’t realize the depth of it until now. Regardless, it’s manageable and I’ll overcome it. Right now, I’m unsure how and I’m unsure when this will happen. I may end up having to take two years off, which is okay although undesirable. But worrying about how long things will take is not what I need to be doing right now. So first thing’s first…

    1. Focus on myself!!! I have a part time job for a couple of more months and I’ll be busy doing the YTT. In the evenings, I’ll need to study for it in addition to doing the work required for the other goals I have listed below.
    2. My path is not anyone’s path. I will find a job if I actually look for one and apply. I will figure out what doctorate program to do if I actually look at them. I will be prepared for the GREs if I actually open the book and study for them.
    3. I will do fun things this summer with my girlfriend and my sister. Maybe I can challenge myself a bit too by doing fun things by myself. I can’t rely on anyone but myself. I must be there for myself and not allow people’s inability to hang out with me deter me from having a good time.
    4. Be at peace with myself.

    I may need to repeat these things like a mantra until I relax. I was able to do this two summers ago. During that summer, I was lonesome but at peace with it. I didn’t write much during that time so I don’t remember what I was doing exactly…I was taking a summer class and working part-time but that was it. I probably read a lot and watched TV. I don’t know how I achieved that state of mind but I will figure out how to get back there.

    Anyway, tomorrow I’m leaving for Disney so I’ll try my best to enjoy myself and maybe I’ll plan a little bit about how I’m going to manage my days when I return so that I am busy daily. I’ll let y’all know how that goes.

    xx Vic

  • Speaking My Mind

    I Am A Badass

    I’m feeling…a little gloomy I guess. For the most part, I’m feeling positive but…there’s a twinge of sadness mixed in there too.

    I had an intense and difficult conversation with my girlfriend last night and now I’m thinking about how to…improve some things in my life. Right now, it’s not at the forefront of my mind because there are some awesome things that are happening before I would have to address the things that I spoke about with my girlfriend. For example, tomorrow I’m presenting my thesis at a state conference for Women’s and Gender Studies! So I’m more focused on that right now, but once that and a few other things are over, I’ll have to resume determining how to make things better.

    The things I’d like to improve are in regards to the relationship between my girlfriend and my family, which I’ve mentioned several times before. The relationship between them is not hostile, but it’s not exactly warm either…and we’ll be dating for a year in 11 days. Plus I’m moving home in about 30 days so things can’t stay as they are right now because if they do, my mental health will suffer. This is why I’m going to develop a plan with my therapist in about two weeks to help me navigate the tension in a manner that will ultimately serve my well-being.

  • Poetry

    healing

    i guess

    it was too much to hold together

    i expected too much

    i guess

    the stitches had had enough

    of sewing broken things back up

    i guess

    the threads were weak

    i guess

    the outcome was always going to be bleak

     

    © 2017 Vic Romero

     

  • Speaking My Mind

    Quick Update (AKA Rock Bottom)

    Today, May 27, 2014, is my best friend’s 19th birthday and my 3-month anniversary with my girlfriend.

    It should be a happy day but my best friend and I have spent it crying because her former boss is a stalker and emailed her at 12:01 am to say happy birthday, and my girlfriend lost her promotion to becoming assistant manager, she’s getting transferred to another store, and the other boss that didn’t know about our relationship now knows about us.

    I am also bombarded with math tests and final projects this week, the week of prom and prom weekend.

    I don’t know what’s going on with my girlfriend yet and my best friend is scared to leave her house for her birthday dinner tonight.

    I’m really worried and upset about my girlfriend…and I don’t know if she’s mad at me..maybe she doesn’t wanna talk to me…which is okay, I understand but… I’m also scared to go back to work in two weeks now.

    When I find out, I will make another post.

    In the meantime I will be listening to Fall Out Boy and trying to calm down.

    I hope you all are having a better Tuesday than I am.

  • Poetry,  Speaking My Mind

    smashed at starbucks

     

    feeling low

    insecure and alone

    why would i feel this way after hanging out with her, now that i’m home?

    everyone fucking knows…

    i’m now swimming in a fishbowl

    and i’m naive

    inexperienced little me

    lamer than anything that comes to be

    not good enough, i need to leave

    i just want to run

    leave her hanging on

    eventually she’ll let go too

    i just want to run

    run from her because she makes me feel too good

    and it’s all corrupt

    it’s all fucked

    from the beginning anyway

    i will only be ending it all

    before the unstable structure that we’ve created falls

    on its own

    or maybe i will wait it out

    and see if she can accept me

    but i don’t want to ask

    because i’m scared she’ll reject me

    © 2014 Vic Romero

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