Lost in a big sea
No one can find me or see
It’s a psychological circle of doom
Who can I turn to?
How do I navigate these waters, so blue?
My anchor is heavy
My heart feels empty
Alone and ashamed
Trying to find my way
Scared and confused
I don’t know what to do
© 2014 Vic Romero
I’m not a heavy weight lifter
But I have heavy things on my plate
If only I could
Make the bad things evaporate
Then the plate wouldn’t be so heavy
And I can stand tall
I would be less likely
To hurt myself if I were to fall
But the plate remains full
Of all that I carry
I must get stronger
So the heavy things won’t seem so scary
© 2014 Vic Romero
My lullaby is her soft breathing as she soundly sleeps..I cocoon myself tightly in the bed sheets, wishing she was here taco-ed in my bed with me. I close my eyes and imagine how’d she lay..her body would be sprawled on top of me, with my chest used as a pillow for her soft right cheek…
Through the line, I hear her breathing stop for a moment..the sound of the line crackling bursts in my ears. I hold my breath for a minute…and then finally her breathing is all I hear.
I release the breath I’ve been holding, and meditate to her quick, quiet breaths. It’s late, I should also be sleeping…it’s late, I should also be dreaming.
But it’s hard to sleep when there’s a painful dagger in your chest, the same chest on which the beautiful angel rests. I close my eyes, fighting the urge to cry.
It’s late, I should really just go to sleep…it’s late, I should just turn off my mind and let my subconscious overtake me.
My consciousness, however, remains..it replays the nightmarish events from earlier that day. The disappointment, the mistakes..the misunderstandings…and although it all feels scary, my greatest fear is of me pushing her away…the thought of her leaving restarts the pain.
Instead of counting sheep, I count the breaths she takes while she sleeps…it helps numb the pain from the dagger that is stuck in me.
It’s late, and eventually my eyes flutter close..it’s late, and eventually my dreams take control..but it’s too late to undo the nightmare I’ve created in my home.
© 2014 Vic Romero
Today, May 27, 2014, is my best friend’s 19th birthday and my 3-month anniversary with my girlfriend.
It should be a happy day but my best friend and I have spent it crying because her former boss is a stalker and emailed her at 12:01 am to say happy birthday, and my girlfriend lost her promotion to becoming assistant manager, she’s getting transferred to another store, and the other boss that didn’t know about our relationship now knows about us.
I am also bombarded with math tests and final projects this week, the week of prom and prom weekend.
I don’t know what’s going on with my girlfriend yet and my best friend is scared to leave her house for her birthday dinner tonight.
I’m really worried and upset about my girlfriend…and I don’t know if she’s mad at me..maybe she doesn’t wanna talk to me…which is okay, I understand but… I’m also scared to go back to work in two weeks now.
When I find out, I will make another post.
In the meantime I will be listening to Fall Out Boy and trying to calm down.
I hope you all are having a better Tuesday than I am.
To speak up
To branch out
To have confidence
I am always full of doubt
To come out
Of the closet
To come clean
To be honest
I am afraid
Except fear itself
I hold it close
Fear has become my own
In order to protect me
From ever discovering
I’ve had nightmares the past three nights. This is unusual for me, seeing as I typically don’t even dream. I prefer it that way.
I’m unsure if these nightmares are a result of stress and just being…scared (college…maybe my sexuality too..) or if it’s a result of reading about tons of murders (I’ve been working on a presentation about serial killers and am also reading Macbeth).
Needless to say, I truly just want one night of blissful sleep. I don’t know how to achieve that though…by drinking chamomile tea? Spraying lavender everywhere?
I tried going to bed earlier last night (I went to bed at 9:30…haven’t done that since I was 10!) and that didn’t work. Instead I had an extremely fitful sleep and more nightmares than the previous two nights.
Anywho…I’m going to finish studying economics and then make up some “nightmare-prevention ritual” so as to avoid bad dreams. Because right now I’m scared to close my eyes. Wish me luck…
Goodnight, WordPress x