I don’t feel well…I’m so anxious and high-strung about this surgery in a couple of hours. I’ve been like this all day…I stayed up until 4:30am then slept in until 11:30am. I lounged in my pajamas all day, sitting in the same spot for twelve hours trying to focus long enough to do homework but failing miserably. I stink, my mom has been coddling me more than she usually does…everybody has been extra nice and it’s weird. Any little thing will piss me off right now…and I got into a fight with my mom earlier about doctors and my surgery.
I feel so inadequate…I kinda fucked up. I don’t tell my mom anything and she’s mad because she thinks I should’ve detailed her my doctor’s appointments to have possibly avoided this melanoma scare. I am pissed for being made to feel inadequate and I’m pissed because she’s partly right. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing. I can’t focus on anything..I got maybe an hour of homework done today despite having sat with it in front of me for twelve fucking hours. My irresponsibility when it comes to both my health and my academics is just making me…want to disappear into the night. How nice would it be to run off somewhere right now? But running away doesn’t erase any problems…it would make things more complicated.
God, I want a cigarette. And drugs. Anything would be nice right now…anything that would make this morning zip by and that would fuck with my consciousness. Because I feel terrible. Maybe I feel a little better than when I first started this post, but I still feel like my insides are twisting and choking me from the inside.
I slept poorly the night after I posted this blog about some future roommate/housing issues I was having. Regardless of my sleep deprivation, I woke up an hour earlier than I had to to go to school so I could go to the ResLife office and resolve my concerns. Unfortunately, I go to a big school so there are many campuses and offices. The office I initially went to sent me to another office on another campus. I went to the appropriate campus, but I couldn’t find the office. A woman told me where to find it, but I didn’t have time to actually go to the office because I had my five-hour class. This stressed me because I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to speak with someone when I got out of class due to long lines that are more prevalent later in the day…plus, I was stressed because I was nearly running late to my class.
I apologize but the next publication of my short series, Love Bites, will be postponed to tomorrow at 11am. If you haven’t read the first publication, please click here!
My weekend has been pretty hectic with my internship beginning and all. Plus, I’ve had a ton of homework. One of my assignments is to read this poem, which I am absolutely in love with, so I thought I would share it. The video is June Jordan reading her poem, and I included the transcript of her poem below. Please enjoy this and share your thoughts!
I’ve been feeling like I’m going through a breakup again, except it’s not a romantic breakup. I’m experiencing a roommate breakup.
I got a roommate my second semester of college. She likes Fall Out Boy, and I love Fall Out Boy, so basically it was love at first sight. But then the “honeymoon” phase wore off and reality struck. I became ridiculously agitated by her, and although I never talked about it, I think my bad attitude was noticeable. Then, Tuesday of this week, we broke up in the sense that we decided not to live together next year. (We were planning to live together up until this point.) So now we’re in this awkward phase like…”I can’t wait to get away from you,” except we’re still living together now. Yeah, there’s only like two weeks of the semester left and I’m rarely in the room anyway, but when I am in the room, it’s uncomfortable. And smelly. Did I mention she has BO? She also hasn’t washed her sheets since she moved here in January, nor has she done laundry since spring break so…two more weeks of this fun.
I had my first panic attack and it terrified me.
I just got back from a Board of Ed meeting. It was terrible. They kept going around in circles with their discussion. It was a waste of an hour.
Even all principals/administrators in the district were bored. Many were texting or sleeping or zoning out. It was pretty funny.