My frequency has changed since I started dating again, and I’ve attracted what I wanted.
By “frequency,” I mean the magnetic energy I am putting out into the Universe based on how I feel every day. My frequency, affects the people, events, and circumstances I attract.
When I started dating, I was tired of grieving my last relationship, I was bored with the monotonous routine of working full-time, and I wanted to meet people. I was feeling rather desperate to switch my day-to-day up, so the people I was meeting were also desperate. They wanted to rush into intimacy and I didn’t connect with them very well.
I didn’t realize I was attracting the same type of people until I put myself into a reckless, dangerous situation. It was unfortunate that it even had to come to that, but it was that event that forced me to take several steps back and examine exactly how I was feeling.
I realized that I was seeking validation in the form of shallow flattery from strangers. I also realized that the reason I was texting six people at a time was because I focused on having someone to talk to every day, even if those people were creepy and even if we didn’t connect.
Since these desires were coming from feelings of lack (I will never find someone that treats me how I deserve to be treated), my frequency was low and thus, the people that came into my life were in my life were unsurprisingly not treating me well. The superficial connections I had with these people often led to rejections, which unfortunately hurt me quite a bit.
After my epiphany, I didn’t stop dating. Instead, I decided what I was ultimately looking for, if not immediately, in the future.
I want to find someone that I have a deep connection with intellectually, emotionally, and physically. I want to feel excited about that person and I want the chemistry to be really strong…kind of addictive. I want to be magnetically attracted to one another. I want to go on dates and spend quality time with someone. I want someone with emotional intelligence and I want someone who completely respects me. I want to feel safe with this person before I choose to be physically intimate with them. But physical intimacy is not important to me right now…I can find that with anyone. I can’t find a deeper connection as easily, but that’s what I want. I want more.
Once I decided what I wanted, I became more particular about the types of people I went out with, and I took better care of myself.
Aside from yoga and writing, my self-care routine has included referring to myself with endearments, wearing glamorous stick-on nails, creating a retirement savings account and prioritizing my finances, reading more, ensuring that I spend time with people who care about me, and discovering ways in which I can be enough for myself.
Learning to be enough for oneself is a long process, and it’s a continuous one because one’s needs change over time. It’s a process I’ve been committed to doing for years, however, sometimes I forget, or choose to forget, about prioritizing myself. Instead of beating myself up for my own neglect, I simply decided to choose myself again.
A recent example was after a few weekends of back-to-back dates, I was super burned out from constantly introducing myself to people. To remedy this, I opted to cancel the date I had planned with the lawyer in favor of spending quality time with my sister and most importantly, with myself. Considering my decision to prioritize myself, I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the connection I have with the lawyer is so wonderful.
“When you are on a feeling frequency of love, then only people who are on the same feeling frequency as you are can come into your life.” -Rhonda Byrne, The Power (The Secret Book 2)
When I wrote my last blog post, I was primarily like ha ha, I am Charlotte York! and I did not consider my shift in frequency at all. Here I am now, however, unable to not notice it.
It wasn’t until a few days ago that I became aware that my frequency must’ve changed. What caused me to even notice it was that I was constantly asking my friends and myself how I’ve managed to meet a super lovely lawyer on a dating app. It still completely baffles me that he is in fact, a real person and that he is also super into me.
I’ve only been going out with this guy for about a month…so everything is still exciting, new, happy, etc, but we have a surprisingly good connection. We are never short on conversation, which is why we’re constantly texting and why we stay up well past our bedtimes every night on the phone. We enjoy spending time together so much that we planned dates a month from now.
In addition to our natural chemistry, he treats me exactly how I want to be treated. He’s respectful of my boundaries, he’s patient, understanding, gentlemanly, and generous. He’s honest and he communicates extremely well. He’s been clear about his intentions with me and he trusts me enough to have confided in me a little bit. He doesn’t play games and he makes me feel wanted. Most importantly, we’re both having a ton of fun getting to know each other.
So…I’m unsure where this unexpected development is going, but I’m going to relax and allow it all to happen. So far, I’ve primarily been overthinking everything because he seems way too good to be true, but…he is true, at least so far. Besides, even if it all goes to shit, I’d like to take the risk.
While dating and romance is an enthralling development, I’d love there to be growth in the career/higher-education aspect of my life. I’ve been reading a new-age philosophy book lately, and this particular quote resonated with me:
“Even if you don’t know what you want to do in your life, all you have to do is give love through good feelings, and you will magnetize everything you love to yourself. Your feelings of love will lead you to your purpose. Your dream job is on the frequency of love and to receive it, you just have to get yourself there.” -Rhonda Byrne, The Power (The Secret Book 2)
There is so much growth and potential in multiple areas of my life. We’ll see what else is in store for me.
I’ve become the Charlotte York of the suburbs.
It’s amusing to me that I resonate with this character from Sex and the City because I found her to be one of the least likable characters in the show, particularly during the first few seasons. It drove me crazy how much of a hopeless romantic she was and how she craved male chauvinism.
I don’t know if I would consider myself a hopeless romantic, but I do prefer romance and emotional intimacy to one-night-stands and hookups. I also don’t know if I’m looking for true romance right now. At the moment, I mostly want to just put myself out there, meet new people, and have fun.
The ways in which I’ve been identifying with her lately are mostly in regards to how her dating life unfolds. There is an episode of Sex and the City when Charlotte goes on two dates in one day and well…one Saturday about a month ago, I somehow managed to coordinate not two dates, but three dates in one day.
Date #1: 3pm in a hipster town
The first date was with a guy who works in engineering management. We ate lunch, drank craft beer, and then enjoyed a spontaneous street-fair with live music.
He’s twenty-five and super sweet. He was interested in all my yoga stuff and asked me a ton of questions, which I appreciated because yoga is a significant part of my life. I don’t think he’s the most knowledgeable about issues that I care about, but he is open-minded and seems to be compassionate.
We actually went on a second date a few weeks ago. We explored different parks in the city, then went on a mini dage bar-crawl. It was a ton of fun, albeit incredibly exhausting since we walked nearly 10 miles.
While I enjoy his company, I don’t know if he’s attracted to me. He’s kept things extremely platonic, which on one hand I don’t mind because I don’t want to feel pressured and I also don’t want to get seriously involved with anyone right now. On the other hand, however, I would enjoy a little physical intimacy.
We sat beside each other a few times at bars in the city, and although I turned myself to face him, he continued to sit straight ahead. So…I don’t know if anything will transpire between us. Currently, however, I regard him the same way I regard my best guy friend. This guy would be a great traveling companion and he’s easy to be with, but the connection may end there.
Date #2: 7:30pm at a trendy bar
The second date was with a thirty-year-old guy from India. He has been in the US since high school and he works for a pharmaceutical tech company. He informed me that his last two relationships were three to four years long, thus, he is only looking fun.
We got one drink and talked for a few hours. He wasn’t as inquisitive about me as the first guy was, which suited me fine because I was tired of talking about myself after the first date. Notably, however, this guy was turned toward me the entire time we hung out, but nothing physical happened aside from a “goodbye” hug. For a first encounter, I appreciated it, but I think he’d be totally receptive to more, which is cool.
Date #3: 11pm at a local diner
On the way home from the second date at 9pm, I felt a pang of hunger. I totally fucked myself up by eating a late lunch on the first date. The Whole Foods guy happened to text me taco emojis while I was driving, so I called him up and asked if he wanted to meet for dinner. He had conveniently just gotten out of work so we met up at a local diner for a bit. We ate, chatted, and then parted ways. It was fun, but yeah, I just want to be friends with him.
Then, a few weeks later, I embraced my inner Charlotte a little more.
One Saturday night, I went out with a 30-year-old lawyer. He happens to be a cancer AKA the sun sign that I have been having strong magnetic attractions with lately. We had been talking for about three weeks and we were supposed to meet three weeks prior, but we had to reschedule a few times.
To compensate for all of the reschedulings, we spoke on the phone a few times and we texted each other a lot. More than I usually text people. The texting got a little out of hand because a majority of our correspondence was while we were both at work. Through our conversations, however, we seemed to have a decent amount of chemistry, so I was excited to meet him in person to see if the chemistry was genuine.
As it turned out, the connection was strong in person. Conversation flowed easily and his entire body was turned toward me at every bar we went to.
I find him to be sweet, interesting, fun, smart…lots of lovely qualities. We had a great first date, which included a sorta mini bar crawl (apparently this is the type of date that I prefer), and we walked around a bunch.
This particular date causes me to feel like Charlotte because, in later seasons, she starts dating a lawyer who isn’t her type because he’s “bald and sweaty,” but she totally falls for him. He was into her from the beginning and he completely sweeps her off her feet.
This guy isn’t bald and sweaty, but he’s not exactly my “type” either…or he’s not someone I would’ve been attracted to in the past. But so far, he treats me very well and I just…like him a lot. It’s surprising to me.
I’m not alone in feeling surprised and intrigued by the attraction. He asked me out for the following Saturday. Saturday couldn’t come soon enough though, so I asked him to go see the new Joker movie with me on Friday night too. It was an awesome date-filled weekend.
On Friday, I brought a blanket and we cuddled as well as we could considering the barrier between our seats. We began to make out after the Joker finally snapped and as bombs exploded on screen. The people next to us probably thought we were sadistic.
On Saturday, we grabbed food and went to a few bars. Then we made out like teenagers in my car for over an hour, almost killing my car battery.
I’ve been having so much fun with him and I feel like we connect really well, so he may stick around for a bit. We shall see…
I’ve begun watching Sex and the City, and it is an addictive show. First of all, I love 90s/early 2000s shows, and I also love shows that center around a group of friends that I can connect with. Lately, I’ve been connecting with Miranda in Season 2, who so far is bitter in regards to dating. She is closed off to getting serious with someone because every person she dates proves to be scum.
While I am not dating casually and thus I am not meeting scumbags, I think I’ve become bitter and closed off to dating. One of my hometown friends pointed it out to me on the phone recently. She affirmed my suspicion that I need more time alone to heal, but she also warned not to be closed off to dating in the future. Unfortunately, I currently don’t envision myself being open-hearted anytime soon, especially considering how I’ve sabotaged my breakup healing process time and time again. It’s as if I keep picking at the scab, which causes it to hurt and bleed, yet I wonder why the scab is taking so long to heal…
Let me provide an example.
A few days before my sister graduated from college, I found out my ex was in a new relationship. While it has been about four months since our breakup, up until the week prior to her committing to someone new, we had been talking nearly daily.
Yes, I know that this was not the best way to handle a non-mutual breakup.
Unsurprisingly, we weren’t talking amicably as friends. She would confess that she missed me, that she still wanted to be with me, etc. I would reciprocate the feelings of missing her and still loving her, but I repeated that I stood by my decision to end things.
Anyway, finding out that she was with someone new caused me to completely lose all control over my emotions. Hysteria transformed to despair, and then to possessive jealousy that inspired me to hook up with my ex in her car after a night of bar-hopping together.
No, I don’t know what I was thinking because I wasn’t thinking.
I gradually came to accept the situation, albeit with some bumps that still need to be smoothed out. Those bumps are called nostalgia with a few dashes of illusion: I miss who I was when we were together, I miss how we were together, and most confusing of all, I miss who I thought she was and/or who I wanted her to be.
Clearly, I am not emotionally capable to casually date, let alone get seriously involved with someone. Instead, I want to spend time with my friends and family and mingle with new people. I want to focus on my full-time job, on teaching and studying yoga, on reading, and on creating. I think I’ve been pretty successful in doing these things, although it takes a lot more energy to do them rather than mindlessly watching TV, which was what I was doing previously.
When my energy feels low or when I get trapped in the nostalgia/illusion bumps, it’s helpful to reflect on why I ended things with her. There are a few reasons: I didn’t feel like I was being treated the way I deserved, no matter how many times we talked about our issues, and I didn’t want to be held back anymore. I didn’t want to spend so much time and energy on our relationship, partially attributed to the fact that it had become taxing and toxic. Most importantly though, I broke things off because I wanted to focus completely on myself. I wanted to be selfish and I didn’t want to feel bad about it.
I do believe that I’ve attracted more positivity into my life since releasing the heavy, negative energy of my last relationship. However, waves of loneliness crash on me sometimes, especially when my friends share stories about or pictures of their serious relationships. It causes me to crave the rush of falling in love, of being in love, and feeling at home with someone. It simultaneously causes me to desire more single friends I can commiserate with about dating, like in Sex and the City.
Anyway, I will have to manage with the occasional loneliness because I don’t want to put myself out there yet. I wouldn’t be offering my best self because I don’t feel like my best self even to myself. I want to finally allow the scab to heal and I want to smooth out all the bumps around it. Hopefully, it won’t take as long as it did when my first ex and I split, but even if it does, I want to have my own fun in the meantime.