The last couple weeks of the semester has caused me to feel glum due to stress over my academics as well as my social life. To sum it up: I am in the middle. The in-between. The grey area.
Every aspect of my life seems to fit that description. My sexuality and race/ethnicity, as noted in this post, my affiliated religion (I don’t identify as anything, I just don’t think about it), my majors (WGS and Economics)..I can’t seem to ever fall into one, absolute category. Perhaps it’s because I’m going and I’m still discovering myself and the world or perhaps it’s a false pretense that people can ever fall into one category. Regardless, this thought also applies to my friends.
I don’t have a clique or group of friends. Every time I think I do, I get proven wrong. It’s exhausting, hurtful, and lonely. I was complaining to my good friend, Steph, about it and she told me it was okay to be an outsider in the sense I don’t belong anywhere, I just have random friends here and there. She said I have years to figure out the friends I want to be making and who stays in my life too. She’s right but..I think the nature of college is extremely lonely without a group. Without a group, you tend to get left out and excluded. At least that’s been my experience. If I commuted, for example, I probably wouldn’t care at all about lacking a social circle.
Anyway..I’m writing because despite how much I feel like an outsider, a misfit, a loner, or whatever it may be, I’ve done some pretty badass things. Perhaps I wouldn’t have done them if I didn’t feel so alone.
A quick update on some recent events: My little sister had her first-year orientation for college. I went to see Taylor Swift (who was AMAZING live) with one of my friends, I saw Magic Mike XL, I reconnected with one of my friends who I hadn’t seen in over six months, I saw a great firework show in my town, I will finally be finishing my sexual violence crisis response advocacy training next week, and summer camp has begun!
I am working with kids that are at-risk for racism, drugs, and violence. The summer camp is about utilizing art as healthy outlets for them.
I was really nervous about being a counselor because some of these kids are living and coming from challenging backgrounds that I have never experienced and I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to connect with them. My fears have been overcome because so far, it’s been great. All my fellow counselors are super supportive and amazing and the kids are great. I’m having a lot of fun teaching them and learning from them as well.
Although I can talk about the camp forever, I want to talk about the quote that I included in the beginning…
This quote by Max Ehrmann has been on every page of my agenda pad since the end of my first romantic relationship. It helped me stay positive and focused on my goals rather than focused on how many people in my life have treated me poorly. I still write this quote on every page and I still think about it when I begin to doubt myself. It wasn’t until recently, however, that I have embraced it as truth.
I have about a month of the summer left before I have to pack my life up and travel back to school. I’ve greatly enjoyed my time off but I’m a little anxious to go back as well. I’m also a little nervous…it’s a hodgepodge of emotions.
Anyway, I just wanted to post an overview of some of the things I’ve done thus far.
I’ve been training to become a sexual violence response advocate. I have to make up a couple of hours but I should be finished by next week!
I saw Fall Out Boy for the third time. They’re amazing as always, but I hate that they only sing “I Don’t Care” from my favorite album, FOLIE. They should perform a concert entirely of songs from that album! Wiz Khalifa was co-headlining, and he was really great. I kinda dig him now. Hoodie Allen was the opening act and I went to the bathroom during his performance. He was subpar.
My sister graduated high school and turned eighteen, which was pretty incredible. She’s not so little anymore and it’s weird but it’s part of life.
If you’ve been following my blog for awhile, do you remember that job at the burger joint I had? Well I’ve been there for two years and I finally quit! I got another job at a film production company doing some coding. In addition to that, I have a class and an internship this summer so I’m mighty busy. Hopefully the next job I have will be more professional and in the field I plan on pursuing. I’ll have to go to the career office at my university to determine what my job options are.
That’s about it! I hope everything is going well for y’all!
TRIGGER WARNING: suicide
I’ve been training to be a sexual violence response advocate for the past three weeks, and it’s been very difficult. Aside from the material itself being upsetting, the training has triggered unpleasant memories as well. I’ve also had multiple nightmares about being drunk.
I’ve been on summer break for three weeks now, and it’s been a hodgepodge of days.
The first couple of days, I went on a cleaning rampage. I’m still not done, but it’s coming along. I’m trying to finish this Friday so I can spend the rest of the summer doing other things.
Then I went to Florida to help pack up my grandparents’ house to be sold. It was a sad trip and it felt weird that none of them were there…but I found some cool photos and books that reflect my family history that I’ve kept. It was also nice to go down there to enjoy the house one last time and to support my dad. We took a couple trips to the beach too.