• Speaking My Mind

    In Need of a Tow Truck

    “I’m not just taking trips down memory lane; I’m broken down on it.”

    -Pete Wentz, Gray

    Ever since I posted my most recent blog, I’ve been reflecting a ton on my past.  I read through nearly every post on here, which is around 400 posts, and I’ve been going through old photos…I usually wouldn’t think too much of it but all this reflecting has been keeping me up at night.  So…I just wanted to comment on what I’ve been thinking about.

    I’ve been thinking about coming out again which caused me to reflect on my journey that led up to it as well as what transpired after I came out the first time.  (Speaking of which, I wrote this interesting creative piece with an analysis about it for a class last fall.  I will share it here eventually).  I’ve been thinking about my previous relationship, friendships…and how my relationship with people that are still in my life, family included, have changed.  I’ve been thinking about my senior year in high school, how I want my senior year in undergrad to go, and about what I want to do after I graduate.

    None of these things are bad thoughts…but it’s a lot of thinking and it’s impacting my focus on the responsibilities that I have now and how I feel throughout the day.  I’m worried, anxious, I brood…I’ve had enough.  Especially because these thoughts keep me up until 3am and I can’t continue to have these sleepless nights.

    Anyway…I hope by tonight or tomorrow I will be able to resume my life in the present…no more trips down memory lane for me.

    Also, a good update: my stitches are out and the lab results are fine!  I have another doctor’s appointment tomorrow at a new place because the current office I’ve been going to has an awful environment.  I’ve only spoken to the people at the new place on the phone but they’re already significantly more pleasant!

    Which reminds me of a theme that is apparent in my writing that I’ve noticed since I’ve been rereading it all: don’t accept where you are if you are unhappy.  Right now, after this brutal semester, I feel pretty happy.  I’ve been productive, social, and working on myself.  I’m a little stressed about what’s to come, but I don’t want to focus too much on that anyway.  I want to focus more on the present…take it day by day.

    -Vic

  • Speaking My Mind

    Save Rock and Roll (Save Myself)

    I’m bored with all of the books I’ve been trying to read and with all of the shows I want to watch so I decided it was about time to come on here and write again.  So…yeah..I’m ending my Fall-Out-Boy-esque-hiatus now.  My hiatus was not five years nor did I release an underrated, killer record before going on break and then proceed to get married, launch a solo career, or have children during my hiatus…but this has been the longest break I’ve taken from writing on here, and in general, since…my sophomore or junior year in high school.  It’s a little unfortunate I didn’t write because I like to document my life, thoughts, and feelings…but everything seemed so…heavy at the time and the idea of writing anything…I didn’t perceive it as therapeutic.

    During the last month or so, however, I have been documenting random thoughts/feelings into a journal by hand to at least get them out there and then I would organize them into the different Bullet Journal prompts I had going.

    Anyway!  I am going to resume writing again.  I’ve been having an urge to write creatively over the last week or so…hopefully I can do some of that because I miss that.  In the meantime, I’ll blog a bit about what’s going on and I’ll start with an update since a bunch has been going on!

  • Speaking My Mind

    Almost Three Years Later

    Yesterday (11 Oct) was National Coming Out Day, which caused me to think about my late cousin.  She was the first family member I came out to and the second person I told overall, and she insisted my parents would still love me if I was able to fall in love with women.  I miss her every day.  She was so easy to talk to and never judged me for whatever crazy shenanigans I was getting myself into.

    Anywho, I didn’t write anything new to celebrate National Coming Out Day, but I attached the link to the post that includes the texts I sent to my cousin about my sexuality here.  Unfortunately, I didn’t include her responses…I’m sure I have them on my old phone or laptop, but I don’t have those items with me now.

    For other “coming out” posts, you can just search that phrase on my website.  There is a variety of poetry, stories, and blogs about my journey, which has been difficult and long…it doesn’t feel over either.  Since the relationship that spurred me to come out in the first place ended two years ago now (wow, time flies), and since I’ve moved out of the house for most months of the year due to university, I sometimes feel like my sexuality has been…erased.

  • Speaking My Mind

    Staying Gold

    The last couple weeks of the semester has caused me to feel glum due to stress over my academics as well as my social life. To sum it up: I am in the middle. The in-between. The grey area.

    Every aspect of my life seems to fit that description. My sexuality and race/ethnicity, as noted in this post, my affiliated religion (I don’t identify as anything, I just don’t think about it), my majors (WGS and Economics)..I can’t seem to ever fall into one, absolute category. Perhaps it’s because I’m going and I’m still discovering myself and the world or perhaps it’s a false pretense that people can ever fall into one category. Regardless, this thought also applies to my friends.

    I don’t have a clique or group of friends. Every time I think I do, I get proven wrong. It’s exhausting, hurtful, and lonely. I was complaining to my good friend, Steph, about it and she told me it was okay to be an outsider in the sense I don’t belong anywhere, I just have random friends here and there. She said I have years to figure out the friends I want to be making and who stays in my life too. She’s right but..I think the nature of college is extremely lonely without a group. Without a group, you tend to get left out and excluded. At least that’s been my experience. If I commuted, for example, I probably wouldn’t care at all about lacking a social circle.

    Anyway..I’m writing because despite how much I feel like an outsider, a misfit, a loner, or whatever it may be, I’ve done some pretty badass things. Perhaps I wouldn’t have done them if I didn’t feel so alone.

  • Short Stories,  Speaking My Mind

    Greyness

    Of course, he had decided to take the highway.  There was no traffic on the highway, so there was no stopping.  He must’ve known that if there was an opportunity to jump out of the car, I would’ve taken it.

    I slumped down further in the passenger seat, my arms crossed over my body protectively as his words sliced through my skin.  He said we were having this conversation because he loves me, but I wasn’t feeling loved at all.  It wasn’t even a conversation; it was a lecture.  A lecture about me.  About what’s wrong with me.

  • Speaking My Mind

    The Lituation

    My friend from work had a party at her house on Saturday night.  I got there super early at 7pm with my friend that I wrote about awhile ago…he was supposed to crash at my house a couple weeks back.

    Anyway, we got there early because my mom wouldn’t let me go to my university at 10pm, which was around the time the party started.  So while we waited for the party to start, I made some paper flowers, which were part of my homework.  I also helped the host make juice and add songs to the playlist.  Then I went with her on an alcohol run and she got me vodka.

    We started drinking the juice around 8:30pm while we chilled out.  It was nice just talking to her, her roommate, and my friend.  When people started to arrive, we moved the party into the basement to play pong and dance.

  • Speaking My Mind

    Losing My Shit

    Over a year ago, I dealt with a very traumatizing situation as a result of wanting to date someone my parents disapproved of. Since that time, my family and I have not discussed nor acknowledged nor accepted my sexuality. Everything is great in my family as long as I suppress who I am.

    Yesterday, I had a very triggering encounter with my mom that was very reminiscent of last year’s traumatizing experience though.

  • Poetry,  Speaking My Mind

    Poem about My Rights

    I apologize but the next publication of my short series, Love Bites, will be postponed to tomorrow at 11am. If you haven’t read the first publication, please click here!

    My weekend has been pretty hectic with my internship beginning and all. Plus, I’ve had a ton of homework. One of my assignments is to read this poem, which I am absolutely in love with, so I thought I would share it. The video is June Jordan reading her poem, and I included the transcript of her poem below. Please enjoy this and share your thoughts!

    x Vic

  • Speaking My Mind,  unzipped lips

    I’m Not The Desperate Type

    TRIGGER WARNING: suicide

    I’ve been training to be a sexual violence response advocate for the past three weeks, and it’s been very difficult. Aside from the material itself being upsetting, the training has triggered unpleasant memories as well. I’ve also had multiple nightmares about being drunk.

  • Speaking My Mind

    Kiss Me Again

    My girlfriend and I had our first date as girlfriends last Friday, March 14th.  We were supposed to have that date on March 7th, but instead I spent that day with her and a bunch of our friends.  March 6th was the day that I had been yelled at for dating her…I didn’t sleep much that night.  My girlfriend stayed up with me and texted me, trying to console me.  She’s been amazing and patient.

    Anyway, last Friday we went on our date.  I told my parents I was hanging out with my best friend.  In reality, Janice* took me to an Italian restaurant but the restaurant side was closed so we just got pizza and we ran into all of her old teachers and my current accounting teacher there.  Then she took me to her house, I briefly met her dad then was led to her room.  She shares a room with her twin sister.

    There was nowhere to sit except for the bed, so I opted for the floor, suddenly feeling very nervous.  I hadn’t been alone with my girlfriend for more than two hours for the past month…and the last time we hung out alone for more than two hours, we weren’t officially girlfriends.  As of that Friday, we have been girlfriends for two weeks and a day.

    Janice teased me for looking so uncomfortable, especially when she deemed it a good idea to change her shirt randomly.  I looked at the wall, my throat constricting.  Then we decided to put on Perks of Being A Wallflower.  I had lent her the book awhile ago and she had just finished it, so we were going to watch the movie.  She suggested I sit on her bed so I nervously took off my shoes and flopped myself down on her tiny twin-size bed.