My blog has been a little abandoned lately, despite my valiant efforts to care for it. I’ve been having a difficult time harnessing my creativity and inspiration lately, plus all of the posts that I’ve been working on for a few months are no longer interesting to me. I desperately wanted to share something though, so I forced myself to write my most recent post, but I didn’t feel the usual rush of excitement when I was writing it. It was an unsatisfying experience, and this blog is not a space to write unsatisfying posts.
I suspect my lack of inspiration these days may be attributed to the injured relationship I have with myself right now. It’s the same old story: I’m still looking for a full-time job, and my ego is suffering. I’ve been writing about this issue for months and I don’t want to talk about it anymore. I also don’t want to talk about myself at all.
So, instead of writing blogs, I’ve been working on some fictional pieces to practice writing creatively. One of my resolutions this year is to work on a long-term writing project, so writing short, fictional pieces aligns with that goal. Due to my lack of creativity at the moment, it’s been a little difficult to finish a piece…but stay tuned.
“If you ever find yourself in the wrong story, leave.” -Mo Willems
I should’ve left that story sooner, but I didn’t. In my desperation to make things work, I hindered the natural development of multiple stories, ultimately hurting myself. But it wasn’t always painful. Being part of another story gave me a sense of (false) belonging I had lacked for the longest time as well as joyous memories…so I went through with torturously penning myself into the narration. I had convinced myself that the thrills of being part of that story were greater than the pains I suffered. I was wrong.
I don’t want to regret the events of 2014 because it has contained some of my favorite memories…but it also contains some of the worst. Maybe 2014 will be reflected on as a HUGE learning curve for me…as a year of life lessons. I don’t want 2015 to be the same way though…I don’t want to be in the wrong story again.
The last few days have been difficult because I was finally letting go of the story I clearly didn’t belong in and I thought I was losing some main characters in my own story too, but after some time and apologies, everything is okay. I hope everything is okay. It’s a little scary realizing how few characters I have in my story now that my story stands alone…meeting people I have good and true connections with is something I want to improve in 2015, in addition to who I am.
Thank you to anyone that commented kind things on my last post. I’m always around for anyone in need of a buddy as well.