I’ve spent a good potion of today sitting, sweating, and crying.
I’ve been sitting because I’ve been studying, or trying to study, sweating because it’s unusually hot for October and the heat is blasting inside, and crying for various reasons.
“Holy shit I just finished my first midterm, it wasn’t that bad…what if I thought it wasn’t that bad because I screwed it all up?? I don’t remember the last time I wrote so much ohmigod..what if I fail all the other midterms I take and all the hours I spent studying were pointless?? Shut up, I can do this! No I can’t. I wanna talk to Jess..can’t talk to Jess though. Can’t talk to my mom..what if I lose my scholarship?? Fuck, why did I have to get that?? I’m screwed..I need to be more independent I need money. I need Jess…fuck I’m gonna distract myself..why hasn’t she ever texted me instead she posted on Instagram. Lemme go on Facebook..really she’s hanging out with her friend?? At least it looks that way, what the fuck is her deal. God I feel nauseous..I have a paper due the same day as my exam and I haven’t finished studying all the material and Jess is ignoring me why is she avoiding me I need to talk to someone I just need someone but not her she doesn’t want me or need me I need to stop making myself miserable by looking at her fucking profile I need to get away from her I need to block her I need to stop I need to focus maybe I should block her number too, no but what if she needs me? Well too fucking bad I need to focus and study but no I can’t block her number I’ll just wait..and study..hopefully she’ll call me. She said she needs time for herself though I’m being selfish well why is she socializing with others why is she a liar I’m just stressed I don’t need to deal with this I should focus. But fuck I don’t know anything this is so hard why did I take this class maybe I should drop out I feel like I’m going to puke I need Coke I need Coke it’s so hot I need cold Coke.”
At least my lipstick looks good.
My m&ms are wet. I think that’s a good description of how awful my day has been.
It started off being really good…I ran into a friend on the way to the plenary, which was really inspiring. Then there was an activities fair, hot apple cider, and cotton candy. The weather was glorious and sunny…not that I got to enjoy it though.
I have two midterms next week, and one midterm the week after. It sucks.
But what sucks more is that I do not have the best study habits, and it’s really showing now.
I’m not a heavy weight lifter
But I have heavy things on my plate
If only I could
Make the bad things evaporate
Then the plate wouldn’t be so heavy
And I can stand tall
I would be less likely
To hurt myself if I were to fall
But the plate remains full
Of all that I carry
I must get stronger
So the heavy things won’t seem so scary
© 2014 Vic Romero
I had my first panic attack and it terrified me.