For the first time in four years, I had an anxiety attack.
It completely caught me off-guard, despite the fact that I had been nervously calling my girlfriend, my sister, and my mom on the phone for an hour before it had happened. Also despite the fact that I’ve been practicing some negative daily habits for weeks as a result of a Vata-imbalance.
For me, that entails following my whims: I fall asleep whenever I want to (AKA never a reasonable hour), I sleep in late, I create ideas but I don’t bring them into reality, I stress-eat, I distract myself with interminable episodes New Girl (which is a great show), and I lack a routine for diet or otherwise.
Anyway, right before the anxiety attack, I was driving during one of the phone calls with my girlfriend, and my answers to her questions quickly became hysterical to the point where I couldn’t breathe and I had to pull over. It was horrible.
The last time this happened to me, I was preparing for midterms as a first semester, first-year student at a large University. I was also recuperating from an awful breakup, I was homesick, and I was just…learning how to flourish when everything was incredibly new and overwhelming.
I was afraid of failing my classes, nervous that I wouldn’t be able to make friends, and worried that I wouldn’t be able to succeed in college.
While my circumstances are completely different now– I’m a graduate of that University, I overcame homesickness, and I have an amazing relationship that is so much better than I could have imagined– I am now learning how to flourish as an adult. It’s incredibly new to me and it’s overwhelming.
I published a post recently about my fears, but they’re rather surface-level. My more deep-seated fears include being afraid of making a “wrong” decision, nervous to embark on something “too risky,” and worried that I can’t succeed in the real world.
All of these fears have ultimately culminated in the stunting of my growth. My fears have become my reality because I haven’t been challenging them…instead, I’ve been holding myself back to prevent myself from my perception of disaster. Then I’ve been blaming everyone else for holding me back.
After my anxiety attack, my sister pointed out that I have a difficult time making a decision because I have all these “ideas” but I hardly execute them. She also informed me that I doubt and second-guess myself consistently. How can I expect to move forward if my energy is so self-destructive?
Prior to the post about my fears, I wrote about manifesting and persistence. While they are extremely vital methods toward success, they are insufficient if the way I treat myself is negative. So, more importantly, how can I channel positive, confident, loving energy toward myself to raise my vibration and ultimately attract other high-vibe opportunities that would enable me to achieve my goals?
Well, this anxiety attack was a wake-up call that I’m not okay with holding myself back any longer. Now is the time to break this cycle and challenge my fears. Now is the time to take risks that may not always be successful, but that’s part of learning! Now is the time to try.
I need to work on my confidence. Since my senior year began, it has become more apparent that this is a quality I need to improve. I undermine my capabilities and knowledge, which incites others to do the same. It also leads to me having weak job candidacy and poor interviews.
I feel like my job, which I love, has been contributing significantly to my mood lately cuz it’s been very stressful. We have a new staff and I feel like one new girl is undermining what I’m doing and I’ve been doing this for three years..but yeah it’s hard to rise above things. I feel like I haven’t had to do that in a professional setting before. It’s good practice cuz when it’s my career job, it’s more intense.
But yeah…I’ve been feeling indigo and hard on myself. People have been weird with me too and it’s been affecting my productivity, which is intolerable. I don’t have that kind of time to waste, I’m very busy so I must write it out when things come up so I can release my feelings and move on with my day.
After talking and venting to my girlfriend for a couple of hours yesterday, and then after calling my dad this morning, I feel better. I have support and good advice from people that care about me in my life.
We were simply discussing Macbeth. Then the discussion transformed into sex changes and…some foul-mouthed girl shouted her offensive opinion as seen above, which quickly led my english teacher to change the subject.
I bit my tongue, refraining from saying something in retaliation. I wanted to say something along the lines of “that is offensive and inappropriate”…but when my teacher changed the subject and everyone moved on….I felt like it was too late.
But it wasn’t. If the girl can attack transgender individuals, then I can defend them.
I really should have said something. I told my little sister about it after school, who I consider to be a HUGE LGBTQ advocate and supporter, and she agreed that I should have said something right then and there. But she also suggested that I should not let it go and that I speak with my teacher about how the remark was ignored tomorrow. (my little sister is wiser beyond her years).
Yeah, my teacher didn’t say something horribly disgusting like what the girl said, but by ignoring the statement, my teacher is not stopping discrimination either. My teacher’s opinion on transgender individuals is irrelevant. She should have said that what the girl said is offensive and inappropriate, regardless of her opinion.
This is not the first time the girl has had an outburst of slurs. She has made racial slurs as well.
Tomorrow I plan on talking to my teacher about this…we have these neon green posters in all the classrooms that say “in this class we do not discriminate others based on their religion, sexuality…etc etc” and the girl’s remark broke that code. My teacher broke that code by not standing up. I broke that code by not standing up.
Being a bystander to hate and discrimination is no better than being the bully.
Although it would have been better if I had said something then, I will say something tomorrow so when the girl makes a slur again (which I’m sure she will), hopefully my teacher will think twice before simply ignoring it.