Today would have been the second-year anniversary with my ex. Although we didn’t quite make it to two years as a couple, she was part of my life for more than two years and…I didn’t realize how much of an influence she had on me until she was gone. She has seemingly tainted everything.
Parts of my wardrobe were either gifts from her or they are from activities that we did together. Places we went together, that I still frequent, remind me of her. Some items I use daily are gifts from her. She’s permeated most, if not all, aspects of my life.
I also hadn’t realized until recently that it was never possible for things to end well between us because we hadn’t been on the same wavelength for a long time. So…processing that has been devastating.
A few other things have been difficult to process as well lately.
Tomorrow my cousin would have turned twenty-eight. I wish she was still here with us.
I haven’t really talked about this much, if at all, but my mom is beginning treatment next week for her cancer. She was diagnosed the day after my cousin passed away, so it’s not exactly a new situation. She’s doing well, but what she is enduring is scary and exhausting. This will be her first time doing any type of treatment. Yoga has been helping her tremendously though. She goes to all of my yoga classes and has been practicing pranayama (breathing) and mindfulness in her everyday life, especially when she goes to the doctor. I’m really proud of her.
Then things will become a little sunnier.
A few weeks after she begins treatment, my sister will graduate from college. I’m so proud of my sister, but I can’t believe how fast time flies.
The week after my mom is finished with treatment and after my sister graduates, my family and I are going on a much-needed and well-deserved vacation to Disney to celebrate all of the endings and to welcome the new beginnings.
So…while April may be a difficult month, it’s watering the soil to support growth in May. Hopefully there will be many flowers.
you will be dumbfounded
your heart will plummet
into the depths of your stomach
as the whole world before you
as if the entire universe
was shoved into a dryer
on someone’s shoulder
you haven’t seen
since you were a newborn
all cluster together,
donning dark colors
touching the glossy wood
of the coffin
the magnitude of death
will feel heavy
need to sit
and your aunt
will comfort you
when you call her up
because you start to forget her voice-
but the line has been disconnected
when her seat at the table for the holidays
year after year
when her sister
has become an only child
when you get older
and she doesn’t-
the passing of time just means
that she’s been gone longer
you will understand
the finality of death
© 2017 Vic Romero – Creative Writing Fall 2017
I’m not sure how to verbalize the tangle of feelings that are running through my exhausted mind…lately I’m always over-thinking and my heavy heart has been sinking with dread at the impending end of everything that exists in my life at this time…change is the only constant and so I am constantly worrying about how much time is left before all the good goes away and I’m bereft once again…but I can make new connections and new friends since I’ll be leaving everyone too, since I’ll be heading somewhere new as the people currently in my life leave me behind with their eyes gazing at their future, so bright…I’m looking at my future too..but my eyes water from the feelings I feel, so blue…if it is true what they say about youth, that being young is so much fun, it’s the best part of your life…well I seem to be wasting away, worrying about what to do so I won’t feel too much hurt and so I won’t feel worse than I did before…perhaps I need to just let go, cut loose. And enjoy myself while I’m young.
© 2014 Vic Romero