I ignored the cramps in my fingers as I fervently knitted the hat I was making, pushing my pestering thoughts out of my head. Although this was a soothing activity, which was something I severely needed after being berated, it was also a mindless activity. I was trying to swaddle my bruised heart with the black yarn that gleamed with red sparkles, but it was futile. No amount of swaddling would heal my heart…I had to heal my heart myself. So I tentatively succumbed to my pestering thoughts, thinking that if I faced them head-on, I would be able to accept them better. When I started paying attention to my thoughts though, they became louder and overwhelming. I squeezed my eyes closed and began to think of something positive in a desperate attempt to push back the tears that I knew would soon be flooding my eyes. When I reopened my eyes, all I focused on were the needles in my sore hands, using the pain to create something warm and beautiful.
© 2015 Vic Romero
I’ve been home for two days and they’ve both been arguably the shittiest days of 2014. I ended up hysterically sobbing to the point of puking in a parking lot and afterwards I called my boss, who’s like a mom to me, and she made me feel a lot better about everything. I usually would write about all the shit that’s going down at the same time that’s caused me to wish that I wasn’t alive anymore but everything that’s happened in the span of two days is still too sensitive for me to write about. I basically feel alone, rejected, pathetic, and…scared as hell. I’m afraid that I’m losing everything that mattered to me…and there were only a few things that I cared about so…it sucks.
Anyway…I hope my break can’t get any worse. Yeah, I can’t sleep nor can I eat but as long as nothing else awful happens hopefully I’ll be able to…feel like myself again. Right now I just feel numb.