Of course, he had decided to take the highway. There was no traffic on the highway, so there was no stopping. He must’ve known that if there was an opportunity to jump out of the car, I would’ve taken it.
I slumped down further in the passenger seat, my arms crossed over my body protectively as his words sliced through my skin. He said we were having this conversation because he loves me, but I wasn’t feeling loved at all. It wasn’t even a conversation; it was a lecture. A lecture about me. About what’s wrong with me.
Seventeen magazine had said that in January I would be flirting with two hotties (which I was: my manager who I started talking to two days before I saw my horoscope, and my former best friend who I’ve been reconnecting with for awhile and is straight) and that one of them is compatible with me. On the 26th I was supposed to know which person is for me.
I don’t believe in horoscopes. I like to read them though because I think it’s cool when they are somewhat relevant to my life, and I wonder how many other Scorpios (that’s my horoscope) relate to the horoscope, which in turn means that they relate to me. It’s a connection of astrology. I find it neat.
Regardless of my fascination with horoscopes, I have never believed in them nor have I ever deemed horoscopes to be correct. Except for the one that I stated above. Then again, my horoscope was actually not correct because I had known she was the one that was most compatible with me after a few days of talking, regardless of my questioning our compatibility when I found out that she smokes pot. Pot irks me.
Anyway, today is the 27th and I forgot that the 26th, the official day that I was supposed to know if she was the person for me, has passed.
Did anything happen yesterday that reaffirmed that she was the person for me?
….no. I spent most of yesterday not talking to her because I was studying or…”studying”. I did text her later last night during the Grammy’s though. I confessed to her that I had died inside (in a good way) that one time that she had gotten mad at work and almost whacked me with the door because she had grabbed my waist…she was all: omg Victoria you just melted my heart I didn’t think I could make anyone feel that way…
Other than that, there was nothing that happened on the 26th that screamed “VICTORIA YOU ARE MEANT TO BE WITH THIS GIRL!!!”
However, there have been other times, before the magical 26th and after that has caused me to like her even more than I did when I was just admiring her from afar a few months ago.
We have a lot in common, my girl and I. We have little things in common, like favorite ice cream flavor, favorite music, etc. But we also have similar values, such as honesty, family, work ethics.
We have a lot of differences too. She loves wrestling and football (specifically the Patriots) and I don’t watch sports (except for tennis sometimes). She enjoys romance movies, I prefer comedies. There are others too, but I didn’t want to make a list about her here. I want to talk about…Thursday.
insecure and alone
why would i feel this way after hanging out with her, now that i’m home?
everyone fucking knows…
i’m now swimming in a fishbowl
and i’m naive
inexperienced little me
lamer than anything that comes to be
not good enough, i need to leave
i just want to run
leave her hanging on
eventually she’ll let go too
i just want to run
run from her because she makes me feel too good
and it’s all corrupt
it’s all fucked
from the beginning anyway
i will only be ending it all
before the unstable structure that we’ve created falls
on its own
or maybe i will wait it out
and see if she can accept me
but i don’t want to ask
because i’m scared she’ll reject me
© 2014 Vic Romero
She picked me up five minutes to six. She drives a little silver car…a Dodge I think.
Upon opening the passenger side door, the stench of air freshener, cigarettes, and perfume wafted up my nose. I breathed the smell of her in and bid her ‘hello’.
She was wearing a long-sleeved, blue and grey striped shirt and dark blue jeans. Her long hair was pulled back in a ponytail, as always. She looked really good.
Then she pulled out of my driveway and headed toward our First Date destination: The Olive Garden. My family thought that I was going to the mall.
I’m so fucked. So, so incredibly fucked.
It was Sunday night. I made the boss I have huge crush on a mix CD after we had talked at work about bands that we liked…then I texted her asking if she was going to be at work on Tuesday morning because I was planning on going to my job to eat with a friend, and I wanted to give my boss the album.
Ever since that night I texted her, we have been talking…non-stop. Like…long messages.
I stood shivering outside as I waited for Heidi to answer.
Just when I thought that my fingers were going to snap off and when I thought that she wasn’t going to open the door, she did.
My heart fell to my stomach as I stared at her beautiful self. Her hair was pulled into a messy bun, and she had flour all over her apron and face.
“Oh, it’s you,” she muttered. “What do you want?”
Today has been too good of a day.
I didn’t have to see the girl I crush on at work. Although I worked alongside the girl that I am jealous of, it wasn’t a big deal. I was too busy working to socialize.
My boss, whom I’m not very fond of, gave me a lunch break. I usually never get a break during my Sunday shift. And he even paid for my meal. That rocked. He was being weirdly nice.
Then I left work when I was supposed to. That never happens. I got about seven bucks in tips. It was good.
When I got home I ate and watched an episode of The L Word. It’s really great. Kinda dark and serious…can’t watch that many episodes at once.
After that I watched three episodes of Gilmore Girls with my sister, and now I’m moping. While scrolling through my Dashboard. (That’s a Tumblr term…I’m a Tumblr girl now).
Had a snow day today….which was really nice. I made a Tumblr! I’m kinda addicted because there are tons of beautiful babes on there…and Fall Out Boy. I love Fall Out Boy.
While I was reblogging pics of hot chicks and feminist stuff, I was also bumming out on the couch with my sister watching shitty television and snacking.
I have been trying to come out to my sister for awhile now…I came really close to telling her yesterday. And then again today. I would be like: hey, Alex (that’s her name) I want to talk to you about something…
Then she would reply like: about what? are you okay? you’re making me nervous.
Because she was nervous, I would feel nervous so then I would say: is Erik coming for Christmas?
Blah. It’s so depressing.
My friend from a writing app that I used to use suggested that I write down what I want to say and just give the note to her. I associate notes with bad news and I also find notes to be rather lame…but seeing as that words fail me, I think it’s the best way to go.
Work today was horrible. And it’s a dumb idea to have a crush on someone you work with.
Like I’ve said before, I have a crush on my manager. The crushing part sucks mostly due to the best friendship/lover-ship my manager has with one of my coworkers