I stopped crying daily. I didn’t realize I had stopped crying daily until my girlfriend was talking about the “getting-an-internship” struggle. I empathized with her and said, “Yeah, that process sucks. It used to make me sad, but not nearly as sad as how I’ve been feeling now that I’m graduating and in need of a job.”
Then I stopped for a moment because I realized that I hadn’t cried about graduating and needing a job in quite some time. I haven’t been excessively stressed to the point where I make myself physically sick, nor have I been excessively distracting myself from reality. I’ve been productive and calm.
She asked me how and why I’ve been so much calmer lately and I surmised that it was influenced by my daily yoga practice.
She agreed and pointed out how before when I wasn’t doing it every day, I would regret not doing it that day.
I added that I feel a little more…confident in myself. By that I mean, I know I’ll be okay after graduation. I’m unsure what I’ll be doing yet but…I think when I invested in myself by upgrading my blog, I’ve begun to see more of my value. Although I’m still working out the goals for this blog as well as what I want to do to achieve them, I feel more confident than ever that I will get to where I want to be. This feeling has manifested in other areas of my life, including my thesis. I’m more confident than ever in regards to me being able to complete an excellent thesis.
It’s awesome seeing how one small decision to practice yoga daily has affected so many areas of my life. The online yoga community I’m part of has helped inspire me to start taking action, also fueled by the fact that the ending of my undergraduate career is the perfect time to take some risks! I am not tied down to anything, I don’t have a ton of responsibilities yet, and I’m young. Now is the time to take my passions further!
I’ve been considering to invest more into my yoga practice and I am also considering higher education again. I haven’t thought about it since September but doing my thesis (and killing it!) has reinspired me that maybe conducting research is one of my callings. I’m unsure still, but I’m open to the journey!
TRIGGER WARNING: suicide
I’ve been training to be a sexual violence response advocate for the past three weeks, and it’s been very difficult. Aside from the material itself being upsetting, the training has triggered unpleasant memories as well. I’ve also had multiple nightmares about being drunk.
Saturday Repost from Fall 2012
“I’m reading The Perks of Being A Wallflower right now and a lot of it is really hitting home for me…it’s kinda scary.
This time last year, I was losing myself, I was depressed, and I didn’t care. As long as my grades looked okay, everything was okay with me…I hung out with the wrong crowd…But then it hit me: Why am I doing this? I’m miserable. I lost a lot of my friends. My “new friends” are shitty friends. They’re not even friends. They don’t talk to me unless I’m doing something stupid with them.
Then came the summer, I started putting my life back together.
Last Day Being 18
It was raining that day so I decided the best way to combat the gloom (which I love) was to wear tie dye and my bright yellow raincoat with my bright yellow polkadot umbrella! (Those two things aren’t pictured sadly). So I’m wearing my campus tshirt that my buddy tie dyed for me. I’m only wearing mascara, foundation, blush, and chapstick today. I’ve decided that since my skin has been looking pretty good lately that I would start wearing blush more since I think it looks nice.
Although it was freezing I decided to wear black jeggings that retain no warmth, I might as well be naked. But I wore them anyway with my dark blue ruffley socks and my Joker (from Batman) high tops. They’re pretty snazzy shoes.
First Day Being 19 (Do I look older? Wiser? Sexier? All of the above??)
I wish you could see how beautiful my dress is but for now I’ll just describe it…it’s a deep, emerald green long-sleeved, velvet dress. I wore it with my polkadot tights and my striped Superwoman socks and tallish Docs.
Here you can see the color of my dress better…isn’t it nice? I love velvet dresses they’re so vibrant, festive, and warm. Anyway, all I did for my makeup was foundation, blush, winged eyeliner, my new favorite “Sin” Mac lipstick and my Halloween fake eyelashes. I have normal fake eyelashes but I wore my Halloween ones because they were already open and I didn’t think they were THAT dramatic…but they were. Whatever, I love Halloween, Halloween forever.
The necklace I’m wearing is one that my sister picked out for me for my birthday, it’s a funky tiger pendant with chains and bows by Betsey Johnson, I love it she always picks out nice jewelry for me. I matched it with Betsey Johnson earrings she got me a few years ago, you can’t see them very well but they’re basically giant black balls and there’s a bow and green jewel at the top, which matched my dress and the necklace pretty well, if I do say so myself.
I decided to throw on one of my mom’s sweaters that she gave me like five years ago because I’d be walking around in the city a lot…this sweater is pretty ratty and old but I love it because it’s long and the sleeves, as you can see in the ridiculous picture of me, are awesome. Unfortunately I left this sweater in my closet at home because the sleeves would be too annoying for college life.
Here’s a picture of me all bundled up in the city.
Finally, here’s a picture of me and my lil sis by the tree at Rockefeller, before they put up the lights. I had a great birthday, thanks to my parents and lil sis.
Hope you guys have a great Sunday!
stupefied stares and angry glares are all the eye contact that is shared from exposing the truth in hopes to improve my relationships but instead the truth left a goddamn huge black and bruise and it only ignited the matches it didn’t diffuse i only want them to accept to approve but instead i’m perceived as taboo and i’m accused of feeling of doing things that i haven’t done why did i unleash my tongue i should’ve kept it behind my lips to avoid being shunned and shoved into the corner facing the wall like i’m a kid in trouble and what good does it do to put your daughter in a bubble and pretend it all doesn’t exist and to pretend that it’ll all go away by ignoring it that it’s as easy as forbidding it that it’s as easy as pie but it’s not we’re all living a lie
© 2014 Vic Romero
I’m not sure how to verbalize the tangle of feelings that are running through my exhausted mind…lately I’m always over-thinking and my heavy heart has been sinking with dread at the impending end of everything that exists in my life at this time…change is the only constant and so I am constantly worrying about how much time is left before all the good goes away and I’m bereft once again…but I can make new connections and new friends since I’ll be leaving everyone too, since I’ll be heading somewhere new as the people currently in my life leave me behind with their eyes gazing at their future, so bright…I’m looking at my future too..but my eyes water from the feelings I feel, so blue…if it is true what they say about youth, that being young is so much fun, it’s the best part of your life…well I seem to be wasting away, worrying about what to do so I won’t feel too much hurt and so I won’t feel worse than I did before…perhaps I need to just let go, cut loose. And enjoy myself while I’m young.
© 2014 Vic Romero
Things have been crazy lately. There has been a lot of lectures from my parents as they struggle to understand and accept my “no-label” sexuality, tears, stress and anxiety, tension, and lack of sleep.
It’s funny how I thought my mom was going to take my sexuality well…she said I threw a bomb onto the house and she has been waking me up in the early mornings, hounding me with questions about my sexuality, giving me lectures about AIDS, expressing her distaste in my lack of religious beliefs and her disappointment in me, how she thinks I’ve been brainwashed…she has offended me many times.
Conversely, my dad, who also feels disappointed, is not acting that way toward me as much, and I thought he would be the parent that would take this news the hardest. He works a lot so he’s not around much…but when he is around things are generally okay with him.
However, I’m scared to be alone with my mom in fear that we’re going to get into an argument like we did yesterday. With my dad, I don’t think he’s randomly going to bring up my sexuality.
Anyway, things have been rough in my household lately. I’ve been fighting a lot and crying…I haven’t been this distressed with my parents since my sophomore year of high school. It’s kinda weird…I’ve been thinking about how and why we stopped fighting so much…it was because I stopped “rebelling” and started doing what they wanted me to do. Except the problem now isn’t with what I’m doing, it’s with who I am. Although they hated that I am dating Janice*.
Why am I looking at the Facebook of a dead girl?
I ignore my mind and continue perusing through her photos and her statuses. Photos of her in Manhattan with Phantom of the Opera posters, statuses of her latest relationships and of her nearing fourteenth birthday party…
Guys, I have a confession: I’m bi.
I close my eyes as the scene plays behind my eyelids. The images are a little dark and blurry, but I am still able to make out all their faces.
“You’re what?” I asked, intrigued.
“I like girls and I like boys,” she explained.
“You like-like girls?” my friend Jess asked to clarify.
She nodded her head and smiled. I made a face. “I don’t believe you,” I said.
“My first kiss was with a girl,” she recalled.
I laid my head back against the wall, mulling over her declaration and envying her for having had her first kiss already.
“Do you guys believe in ghosts?” she asked, changing the topic.
I shook my head ‘no’ as she pulled out the Weird NJ book.
“I see my grandfather sometimes.” She began to flip through the pages of the book. “It’s freaky. Okay, here. I like this story…”
I opened my eyes and looked back at the computer screen, frowning. Her face was scowling back at me.
I wish I could have…
I shook my head, unwilling myself to regret. There was no point, it was too late. I had made my decisions many years ago, and now I had to deal with them. Besides, I shouldn’t be pitying the deceased, I should be honoring them.
After staring into her pixelated, brown eyes for a minute, I sighed and logged out of Facebook.