I randomly decided to listen to a podcast I used to jam to quite a bit called, Truth + Dare. It’s hosted by two women and they talk about real stuff honestly. The one I started listening to yesterday was about how to overcome setbacks. One of the women talked about how they utilize Netflix as a means of distraction rather than actually dealing and working through the challenge.
And then it hit me: I’ve been distracting myself a lot lately. I’m not watching a ton of TV or crocheting just because it’s fun (although it is) but I’m avoiding stuff.
I spent today thinking about this more and I’m avoiding myself. My feelings. I’m trying different activities to temporarily placate my anguish, but I’m not working through it.
After I had a mediocre job interview the other day and was unnecessarily mean to my sweet parents, my sister confronted me and I had my first real talk toward self-improvement.
My anguish seems to stem largely from post-graduation and its association with my deceased cousin. I’m not going to delve into it, but it’s impossible for me to apply to jobs or to talk about jobs without crying. It’s awful…and this has been happening for months. I chalked it up to me being super pessimistic and hard on myself, and that’s definitely a factor, but it’s not the whole thing. Plus, I’m being so dismissive of my feelings.
I’m disappointed that it’s taken me this long to realize that perhaps I need to want to talk to someone again and to want to do the work required to improve my perspective. Especially considering that I did a whole workshop on depression and how to notice it…I mean I’m not partaking in my usual methods of distraction (YouTube) but how did I not notice? On the other hand…I can’t blame myself too much because I’ve been so distracted. It’s hard to really isolate your true feelings when so much other bullshit is happening too.
This would include having people around me constantly (my girlfriend, my family), the demands of my senior year, my thesis, and my jobs. When I’m exhausted from my everyday life, it’s hard to want to exert more energy to focus on myself. Distractions are soooo much simpler. But they’re temporary remedies.
So…some steps I’m going to take to focus on myself…
- MEDITATE! I want to do a 40-day meditation challenge through this yoga instructor I’ve been loving on YouTube. You can find her on her website. She is called the Journey Junkie. Meditation was recommended by my professor to help one discern oneself…and I believe investing in some time every day would be amazing. I’ve written about wanting to do it before, but I haven’t tried it yet. Now is the time to do the work!
- Go see my therapist for a session or two.
- Continue practicing the healthy habits I’ve adopted: yoga, crocheting, reading, and cooking
- Perhaps resume listening to the podcast that’s helped me a bit
Fortunately, my sleep hasn’t been suffering and I haven’t been procrastinating more than usual…so I suppose my depressive episode isn’t that severe. I haven’t been particularly social though…but I don’t think it’s been because I’ve been avoiding people. I may have to think about that a little more.
Anyway…I hope y’all have a great Friday!