Speaking My Mind

The Lituation

My friend from work had a party at her house on Saturday night.  I got there super early at 7pm with my friend that I wrote about awhile ago…he was supposed to crash at my house a couple weeks back.

Anyway, we got there early because my mom wouldn’t let me go to my university at 10pm, which was around the time the party started.  So while we waited for the party to start, I made some paper flowers, which were part of my homework.  I also helped the host make juice and add songs to the playlist.  Then I went with her on an alcohol run and she got me vodka.

We started drinking the juice around 8:30pm while we chilled out.  It was nice just talking to her, her roommate, and my friend.  When people started to arrive, we moved the party into the basement to play pong and dance.

I met a couple of new people as well as reconnected with a girl that was in my math class last semester.  She’s dating my coworker, which is pretty funny.  I go to a very large university so it’s cool when I run into people I’ve met in a class or something before…like what are the odds that the one girl I spoke to briefly a couple of months ago about a frat we both like was at a house party in the summer because she’s dating my coworker?? I love it.  It makes the world seem smaller.

The night was mostly a blur…one of my coworkers invited a friend who brought us a ton of alcohol, pizza, and weed.  He was so generous and nice at first, but then he started making moves on me and my friends.  He got creepy real fast.  Thankfully, he left around midnight.

Toward the end of the night, I was crossfaded and ready to keep partying, but people were leaving and going to sleep.  Before one of my friends left, she told me that one of our coworkers, who is eleven years older than us, invited her to go to his place.  She was going to go with him too! But then me and my other friend put doubt in her mind, and she opted to go home with our friend instead.  The next morning she told me she is going to hang out with him, though.  It’s really weird to me why he’s so interested in her since she’s so much younger than him…it’s kinda creepy, honestly.

After she left, I changed into my pajamas and went to go sleep on the couch cuddling with my friend.  I love my friend very dearly…we have a bunch in common and he’s a nice person, but he can be so inconsiderate and sassy sometimes, it drives me crazy.  I don’t tolerate that kind of bullshit from people, so I’m always in his face.  For example, he invited me to cuddle with him but then didn’t give me any room nor offered me some of his pillow.  One of my coworkers got me a pillow and then suggested we sleep on the other couch because there’d be more room for both of us.  We went to the other couch and he fell asleep for a bit.  I was about to fall asleep myself, but then he got up to pee and when he came back, he flopped down alongside me and said “I don’t think we should sleep together anymore.” Then he managed to take up most of the couch.  I was like, “Well, if you don’t wanna sleep here, then get your lazy ass up and go somewhere else.  Don’t make me move!” So he went back to the other couch and that was it.  Until the morning.  He and my coworker went to get breakfast and neither of them thought that maybe I would want something as well.  They both came back with food and I was like “Wow, thanks for offering to get me something.”  My coworker was considerate enough to share his breakfast with me at least.

If my friend was more considerate, though, I would totally be into him.  My friend thought I liked him but then I was like “Nah, I’m mostly gay and also ew, it’s him…we’re friends.”

I had several somewhat deep conversations that night, despite being crossfaded.  I practiced my Spanish, talked about feminism, my sexuality, and my last and only relationship.  I usually don’t talk about my last relationship or my sexuality, but lately I have been…I think because of that guy I was crushing on for a bit.  When my relationship first ended, I felt so broken.  I spent a long time tormenting myself about that relationship, especially because we remained in contact for four months after it ended because I wanted my stuff back and then because she decided she was “sorry” and “wanted to visit me at school.”  Then I felt mostly over it, but I was by no means mentally capable of investing in another person emotionally.  I’m too shy to meet people to hook up with and I’m also too afraid of STIs and germs to hook up with people should they approach me.  So, I just chilled with myself and figured out who I am and tried to make friends.  I had some crushes that I flirted with but nothing ever developed…and then fast-forward to now…I’ve been making some amazing friends at work and then I met someone that I’m attracted to and thought liked me back as well but doesn’t….I guess what I’m trying to say is that it’s been such a long process to get to this point where I’m ready to meet someone and fall in love again.  I recently thought I had met someone that I could at least go on a date with or hook up with, but I can’t even do that because he has someone already.  It’s disappointing…and now I’m really anxious to meet someone.  Especially since my friend has no problem getting guys…like the guy that is eleven years older than her and two other people at the party were all over her and then there’s me…it’s been a year.  When is it my turn to have someone interested in me?  Whoever eventually wanders into my life must be super amazing if it’s taking them this long to find me, like damn

The friends I talked to about this at the party believe I’ll meet someone in the fall…and I may.  I’m not looking for “forever,” but a relationship would be nice.  But what if I don’t meet anyone?  I suppose I’ll just put all my energy into school again…which is okay with me since I love school.  I also have friends to invest in as well…so I’ll be okay.  As long as I have friends to love and love me back, my family, and my studies, I’ll be alright.

I’m so happy I have more friends now.  They’re so sweet too…that’s what I needed more than a relationship a couple of months ago.  Now that I have this though, I’m ready to go back to looking for a relationship.  I want that college romance…

I hope y’all had a nice Saturday.  I’m going to do finish my homework now.

xx Vic

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