Speaking My Mind

You’re Full Of It

I feel…exasperated.

So here I am…single because my ex wanted to take a break to work out some things in her life.  I respect that, I understand that, but what I DON’T understand is why she was all “I still want to text because I don’t want to lose my best friend” and then fucking doesn’t text me.

Please, hear me out.

A few days after she broke up with me I had a panic attack due to stress because of midterms as well as being homesick.  I already detailed the unpleasant experience in another blog so I won’t talk about it now but nevertheless, I was scared because I’ve never experienced that before.  Instead of suffering alone, I decided to call someone to talk me out of my panic because I was unable to do it alone.  Naturally I called my ex because she’s my best buddy and she didn’t answer, which is completely fine because she was probably busy.  So I called some other friends I have and one of them answered and she calmed me down and everything.

If you got a few calls from someone that you supposedly love as well as texts detailing the experience, then wouldn’t you respond EVENTUALLY??  If not that day, maybe within the next few days when that someone is taking a dump or waiting in line somewhere, right?  Most people would respond and be like “I’m glad you’re okay, I love you too” (I told her I loved her).

Well this ex of mine didn’t call me back nor did she respond to my panicky messages.  She hasn’t contacted me in any form since she sent me the “Let’s stop seeing each other for now” text.

Although I was upset that she never replied, I gave her the benefit of the doubt and was like “Oh, she’s probably just busy.  She’ll reply or text me one day soon.”

But soon has yet to come.

Now, I wouldn’t be fucking pissed that she hasn’t texted me back in response or that she hasn’t texted me at all to “check in” or some bullshit if she’s just been busy, but I am fucking pissed because she’s not busy. She’s been Instagraming and possibly Facebooking too.  That means one of two things.

1. She’s ignoring me for some inexplainable reason.  This wouldn’t make sense considering she said she still wants to text me although we’re not dating.

2. She forgot about my text, which would be okay except honestly I feel more like she forgot about me.  I’m not sure if this is the case but it seems that way because even if she forgot about my text, wouldn’t she want to text me eventually about anything…?  But she hasn’t even texted me about anything, she hasn’t texted me at all but she’s Instagraming.

It’s really hurtful.  I’ve been making a list of things I wanted to share with her but didn’t because “I don’t want to bother her” and I’ve really missed her…she’s always on my mind and it sucks I’m not on hers.

It’d make me feel better if she was ignoring me because then at least I’m still on her mind…but it doesn’t make sense that she’s ignoring me considering there’s no reason to ignore me.  If anything, there’s a million reasons to TALK to me.

But she hasn’t talked to me.  Fine, she forgot about that text but she hasn’t even bothered initiating a conversation, instead she’s Instagraming.

What’s pissing me off more than anything is the fact that the reason I feel shitty is because of miscommunication.  If I felt like it was okay talking to her, I would’ve talked this out with her and I wouldn’t feel shitty anymore.  But I’m not sure if it’s okay to talk to her so instead I’m keeping my feelings inside and feeling worse.

If she doesn’t contact me once my midterms are over, I’m gonna reach out to her.  But for now I shall focus on my work.

Hope you guys are well


EDIT: 8:48pm

Now that I’m more calm, I wanted to add a few thoughts about what’s truly bothering me.

My ex and I have no communication at all, so that’s why there’s miscommunication.  And the fact that we went from talking on the phone everyday and texting once in awhile to nothing is really upsetting because I wasn’t expecting this breakup..I don’t think she was either.  But we had an amazing weekend together and then a few days later she says she wants to take a break, I’m assuming because we got back together too soon…in my mind though, I thought she would want me to be there for her, which I was more than willing to do.  I offered to talk to her but she said she didn’t have time right now…everybody solves problems their own way and I respect that but it was just a disappointment to me.

Additionally, I have no control of what’s going on.  I don’t want to reach out to her until she’s ready, so I’m just waiting…I hate waiting.  I’m not patient.  I hate feeling like I have no control…I didn’t realize that until recently.

Lastly, I don’t know what’s going on with her.  I’m sure she’s okay..figuring things out slowly but surely…but I care about her and I want to be there for her but she’s not letting me in so…it’s just hard for me.

I think I’m going to text her…sitting here feeling…neglected and powerless hurts so I’m going to think about saying something.  I don’t think she’s deliberately trying to hurt me or anything…she broke up with me to avoid hurting me after all…but she said she still wants to text so I’m going to text her some things on my mind and leave it at that.  Then I can at least feel like I expressed myself, instead of bottling it all in.


        • vicromero

          Not yet I just texted her..last night I texted her about starting my midterms today and being nervous and I also said that maybe she’s busy and that’s why she didn’t reply but then in the text I added that if she has time to text me back, to not text me back until next Tuesday when I’m done with my midterms. Just now I texted asking if she can talk cuz I’m panicking about my midterm tomorrow and we obviously need to talk this out…I feel like she can’t really say anything to make this better tho..

          • vicromero

            I’m trying…I think because I’m so stressed with school it makes me freak out about every little thing…like now that I’m in bed relaxing I’m okay…my mood has been so up and down lately I can’t wait for midterms to be over so I can be more relaxed. Thank u for being there for me tho 💜 <3

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